Author: Calleen Hough

Competition

I have two brothers, one older and one younger, and a younger sister. The four of us are close in ages. There is only five years difference between the oldest and youngest siblings. There was an atmosphere of competition in our home and it seemed like there was always some kind of conflict going on. In a recent conversation with my sister, she said she thought we didn’t lover each other. I told her we did, but never expressed it because we were too wrapped up in our daily survival.

Proverbs 6 says, “These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: a proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren” (Proverbs 6:16-19). The last item on the list, he that soweth discord among brethren, may have been an afterthought or it could be the root cause of all the others. The Hebrew word for discord is related to a judicial word marking the act whereby men’s position and destiny are decided (1777). It seems that discord could be an indicator of a lack of authority and rebellion against the sovereignty of God.

At the core of completion is a desire to have things our own way. The competitiveness I experienced growing up caused me to struggle as an adult because I was unwilling to let go of certain outcomes that I desired. In some respects, my stubbornness was healthy, but for the most part, I was continually disappointed when I didn’t get my way. It wasn’t until I found out my husband was having an affair that I realized discord in a marriage can produce disastrous results.

Regret

When I got married, I had the mentality that I was damaged goods. Not only had I been raped several times, but I willingly had sex with numerous men. My identity was stripped away as little by little, I let myself become nothing more than a body that men used for sexual pleasure. The shame and degradation I felt made me so sick of myself that it was hard to imagine that anyone could actually love me. The outcome of being raped was that my heart and soul became separated from my body and I was no longer able to feel love.

Proverbs 5 contains a warning against sexual immorality that indicates it can destroy your body. Referring to the end result, it says in Proverbs 5:11, “And thou mourn at the last, when thy flesh and thy body are consumed.” The Hebrew word translated last, achariyth (akh – ar – eeth´) is derived from the word achar (akh – ar´) which means after or afterward (310). “In some passages, achariyth represents the ‘ultimate outcome’ of a person’s life” (319). The implication being that you don’t regret sexual immorality until after you have experienced the end result, usually some kind of damage to your body.

Physical touch is only one of the ways that love can be communicated, but it is extremely important in the communication of love between a husband and wife. As a result of experiencing the trauma of being raped, I became numb to certain kinds of touch and allowed myself to go through the motions of having sex without feeling any emotional attachment to the person I was with. After I was married, I regretted the way I let men treat me, but it was too late to undo the damage that had been done by repeatedly shutting down my emotions during sex.

Darkness

The first few years of my marriage were very happy ones. Becoming a mom was the best possible thing that could have happened to me, but after having three children, my ex-husband decided to have a vasectomy. My independent nature caused me to rebel against his decision and before long I found myself unhappy with my situation. I didn’t wake up one day thinking this sucks, there was a gradual change in my disposition. I went from being a very happy, contented wife to a miserable wretch over the course of about three years.

Proverbs 4:19 says, “The way of the wicked is as darkness: they know not at what they stumble.” The Hebrew word translated darkness, aphelah means duskiness (653). Aphelah is another form of the word aphel which means to set as the sun (651). The transition from day to night happens slowly and gradually, not in an instant like the flipping of a light switch. The problem with duskiness is that you can still see well enough to function, but your vision is distorted because of insufficient light. A wicked person that is guilty enough to deserve punishment, but does not, is probably avoiding punishment because his behavior overall is still pretty good.

What I didn’t see during the years when my marriage began to unravel was that I was becoming cold and indifferent to the people around me. Of course, the primary target of my selfish behavior was my husband, but my bad attitude affected everyone. I was difficult to get along with and I expected God to bless me even though I was living contrary to what it says a wife is supposed to in the Bible. I didn’t realize my unwillingness to submit to my husband was a serious sin that could ruin my marriage.

Correction

The biggest problem I had when I became a Christian was sexual addition. Even though I knew sex outside of marriage was wrong, I had a habit of having sex with every guy I got involved with. Within a year of giving my life to Christ, I got pregnant. Because I had already had two abortions and knew that ending my pregnancy meant I would be killing my unborn child, I decided I would keep my baby no matter what. The baby’s father and I got married and had two more children in the first few years of our marriage.

If you are not used to being disciplined, being a Christian can be difficult and sometimes unpleasant. In Proverbs, it says that God disciplines us because he loves us. “My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction; for whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth (Proverbs 3:11-12). The Hebrew word translated correction, towkachath (to – kakh´ – ath) is derived from the word yakach (yaw – kahh´) which means to be right (3198). These two words have the connotation of giving proof or evidence in order to decide a case (8433).

While I was married, no one suspected that I had a problem with sex. On the surface, everything appeared to be normal. It wasn’t until my marriage failed that I was confronted with the truth, being cut off from my source of sex made me very anxious. Although I knew I could survive for a period of time, the thought of never having sex again was too much for me to handle. What I realize now, after being divorced for 14 years, is that my desire for sex may never go away, but I do not have to fulfill it.

Deception

I started working in downtown San Diego a few months before my 18th birthday. I developed a routine of parking in the same spot everyday and walking as quickly as I could to get to work on time. One day, when I arrived, there was a distressed looking man standing near the curb outside my building. As I entered, he followed close behind me as if he was in a hurry. After the elevator doors closed, he told me there was a man injured on the floor below us and he needed my help to move him to safety. I told him I was late and didn’t have time, but he pleaded with me until I changed my mind. Once we were in the stairwell, he pulled  out a knife and pointed it at my side as he ordered me to get in the closet and take off my pants.

Proverbs 2:11-12 indicates that understanding can deliver us from the way of an evil man, “from the man that speaketh froward things.” The Hebrew word translated froward, tahpûkâh (tah – poo – kaw´) means a perversity or fraud (8419). Tahpukah is derived from the word haphak (haw – fak´) which indicates reflexive action including changing your mind or turning one’s back.

The man that spoke to me in the elevator was a serial rapist that had already abducted and raped several women in the area surrounding my work location. His objective was to get me to abandon my plan to go straight into the office so that I could help him do a good deed. In the moment when I decided to turn my back on my responsibility to my employer, I became a victim of his evil plot and was unable to escape what was about to happen to me, being raped at knifepoint.

Consent

On the night I was raped, when I was 14, I was spending the night at my friend Bernadette’s house. After I arrived, I found out Bernadette’s mom had gone out for the night and her boyfriend Tom was taking care of her eight children. Tom was a drug dealer and that night one of his sellers came over for a visit. The two of them went into the bedroom and shut the door so they could try out Tom’s new product in private. I was invited to join them and in spite of my reservations, I did.

The book of Proverbs contains advice from Solomon, the wisest man that has ever lived. In his warnings against violence, Solomon said, “My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not” (Proverbs 1:10). The Hebrew word translated as entice, pâthâh (paw – thaw´) in a sinister way, means to delude or deceive. Pathah is also translated as persuade, allure, and flatter (6601). The Hebrew verb that is translated as consent has to do with a person’s will. Abah “basically represents the inclination which leads towards action, rather than the volition which immediately precedes it” (14). To consent to something means that you are willing to do it, you are not being forced.

The invitation I received to join Tom’s private party was enticing. Because I had never smoked marijuana, I thought Tom was right when he encouraged me to at least try it. There couldn’t be any harm in taking one little puff. I didn’t know that Tom had something completely different in mind when he invited me into his bedroom. After I took one puff, I blacked out and didn’t regain consciousness until I was on the bed, half naked, with Tom on top of me, forcing me to have sexual intercourse with him.

Jealousy

The root cause of the conflict between Rick and I was jealousy. Although Rick was almost 40 and had never been married when we met, he was extremely attractive and had a way of connecting with women that made me wonder why he was still a bachelor. What I realized after I got to know him was that Rick fell in love with every woman he met and was unable to commit to being with just one person. If I wanted to be a part of his life, I would have to share Rick with all the other women that loved him just as much as I did.

Like me, Solomon’s lover wanted to be the only woman in his life. She said to him, “Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm” (Solomon 8:6). Women seem to be more inclined toward jealousy and have a hard time accepting the idea that it is possible to love more than one person. Solomon’s lover concluded, “For love is as strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave; the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame” (Solomon 8:6). It is very dangerous to fall in love with a man that cannot be faithful to one woman.

The reason jealousy is as cruel as the grave is because it can separate us from the one we love. When Rick left me, it broke my heart. It felt like I was dead or that I might die because of how miserable I was without him. But, as much as I wanted to be with him, I couldn’t bring myself to the point of accepting that Rick didn’t belong to me. Rick was not a possession, he was a man, free to love whomever he pleased.

Insecurity

A characteristic that attracted Rick to me, was my confidence. My job as a workshop facilitator reinforced his image of me as someone that commanded respect. What Rick didn’t know was that on the inside I was very insecure and I felt unworthy of his love. In spite of his constant affection, Rick was unable to convince me that his love was genuine and that I was the most important person in his life. Three weeks before our wedding, we had a huge argument and Rick abandoned me, leaving me at a time when I needed him most.

King Solomon described his love’s appearance many times in the Song of Solomon. It is clear Solomon perceived her to be a strong woman because he said of her, “Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armory, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men” (Solomon 4:4). Solomon also used the word undefiled to describe his love, a term that means perfect and stresses moral integrity (8535). In spite of the respect Solomon showed his love, she did not feel secure in their relationship. On one occasion, Solomon abandoned his love because she had locked him out of their bedroom (Solomon 5:3-6).

Sexual intimacy between a man and woman is based on trust. It cannot be established or maintained if there is a feeling of insecurity in the relationship. The fight Rick and I had shortly before our wedding was due to my insecurity. I didn’t believe that he really loved me. In spite of his many demonstrations of love, I thought it was impossible for Rick to love me because I had been defiled when I was raped. What I needed to know was that Rick would never leave me or forsake me, but instead, he did.

Falling in love

Nine years ago I was blessed with the experience of falling in love with a wonderful man. I met Rick while I was on a business trip in another state. Ours was truly a whirlwind romance. On our second date, Rick took me to meet his family. Afterwards, it felt like my dream of finding a man that would love me had come true. I was so in love with Rick that when it came time to go home at the end of my trip, I could hardly think of anything but spending the rest of my life with him.

The Song of Solomon is the story of a woman that falls in love with king Solomon. The woman’s name is not given. Solomon refers to her as my love and says of her beauty, “Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair” (Solomon 1:15). After being introduced to Solomon’s household, Solomon’s lover states, “He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick with love” (Solomon 2:4-5). And then she gives this advice, “I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please” (Solomon 2:7).

Falling in love in not only an intense emotional experience, it is similar to coming down with a bad case of the flu, if you have to be separated from the one you love. You become weak. You can’t eat or sleep and your heart aches to be in his arms again. My long distance relationship with Rick was torture. It was all I could do to just get through each day. My only hope of survival was the thought of seeing him again on my next business trip.

What is the point?

When I was a new Christian, a retired missionary named Bernice took me under her wing and taught me the basics of being a Christian. Bernice told me that I needed to sing to the Lord and pray on a regular basis, but she said the most important thing for me to do was to read my Bible everyday. Bernice had lived her entire life as a missionary in Africa. I considered her to be a very godly woman, so I did what she said and never asked the question, What is the point of reading my Bible?

The phrase “quicken me” appears nine times throughout psalm 119. The Hebrew word translated quicken, châyâh (khaw – yaw´) means to live, but it also means “to bring to life” or “to cause to live” (2421). The kind of life chayah refers to is more than physical existence. It is spiritual life that comes from to word of God. The author of the book of Hebrews states, “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12).

If I had asked Bernice the question, What is the point of reading my Bible? I think she would have said, It keeps your spirit alive. In the same way that I need to eat food everyday to keep my body functioning, I need to read God’s word everyday to keep my spirit functioning. Over the years, I have discovered many benefits to reading my Bible daily. Even though I haven’t always understood what I was reading, I think I have developed some of the godly characteristics that I admired in my friend Bernice.