Author: Calleen Hough

A mistake

A few years after I was divorced, I met a man that was very kind to me. It may sound strange, but up until that point in my life, I had never known a man that was kind to me. Even though Chris was a perfect gentleman, I didn’t trust him. One evening when he came to visit me, Chris asked me to go outside with him to look at the moon. As we were gazing up into the sky, I sensed his powerful presence as he stood close behind me. I turned and looked at him and said, I’m not going to sleep with you.

Proverbs 21:5 says, “the thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenteousness, but every one that is hasty only to want.” The word translated hasty, ’ûwts (oots) means to press and by implication to be close. It also means to hurry or withdraw (213). The word want indicates a deficiency or some sort, so hastiness resulting in want could mean a failed effort or losing something due to a rushed effort. The thoughts of the diligent being successful probably means that you’ve thought things through before initiating an action or planned for something ahead of time.

What I said to Chris was a mistake, but it was consistent with what I was feeling in the moment. I was afraid and didn’t know how to handle the intimacy of the situation. I wanted to stop what was happening, not because it was dangerous, but because I couldn’t handle the flood of emotions that was coming over me. Emotions can cause us to do things we wouldn’t normally do. In my case, fear made me react to Chris in a way that was inappropriate. My hasty remark not only ruined a special moment, but it damaged our relationship.

Possibility

An experience I will never forget is when I observed seven days of silence. I was unemployed at the time and living on my own, so it was possible for me to separate myself enough that communication was completely cut off. I started each day at a beach near my home in Malibu. As I drove down the Pacific Coast Highway in the early morning hours, I began listening for directions from the Lord as to where I was to meet him that day. Each day there was a different location, a little more private and secluded from the  previous.

It says in Proverbs 20:5, “counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” The word translated draw, dalah is properly translated as to dangle, as in letting down a bucket to draw water out of a well (1802). The reference to deep water is then understood to be water at the bottom of a deep well. Therefore, it takes considerable effort to access it. The word translated deep is also translated as deep things and is derived from a word that can be translated as profound.

On the final day of my silence, which was Easter, I met with the Lord on top of a hill that reminded me of Calvary. As I looked down at the beach and out over the vast ocean in front of me, I realized that my perspective of things had changed dramatically. Silence had helped me to see that my perception of reality was distorted. My view of life was based on limits, the edge or end of things. In actuality, life is based on possibility, the beginning or growth of things. God wants us to erase the boundaries of what we think is possible.

Destiny

A little over a week after my divorce was final, I was laid-off from my job. Over the course of three years, I attempted several new occupations, but eventually ended up unemployed with no job prospects. When my financial situation had become desperate, I heard about an opening at the same manufacturing company I previously worked for. I didn’t want to go back to work in a factory, but I felt strongly that it was the Lord’s will for me to apply for the position. When I got a job offer, I knew I had to take it.

Proverbs 19:21 says, “there are many devices in a man’s heart, nevertheless the counsel of the LORD , that shall stand.” The Hebrew word translated stand in this verse, qûwm (koom) means to come about. “It is also used to denote the inevitable occurrence of something predicted or prearranged” (6965). A word that is derived from kuwm, mâqowm (maw – kome´) means a spot or the location in which something is placed. Maqowm is typically translated place and its definition indicates “a ‘place’ is sometimes a task or office” (4725). In that context, kuwm can refer to reaching a destination or destiny.

It was really strange when I started my new job because it felt like I was picking up exactly where I had left off three years earlier. It was almost as if a pause button had been pressed and then suddenly released and my life was back in motion. The only thing that was different was that I was no longer living in Washington State, but had returned to Southern California where I grew up. My situation seemed like a dream come true. Instead of a factory, I ended up working in a very nice office building and received a sixty percent increase in pay.

Willpower

I think there comes a time in every Christian’s walk with the Lord when our will and God’s will are opposed to each other. Because we have free will, God does not overrule us. In fact, if we insist on having our own way, God allows us to do what we want, he does not stand in our way. The biggest mistake I’ve ever made occurred because I thought I knew better than God what was best for me. I thought I would be better off living the rest of my life by myself rather than staying married to the father of my children.

Proverbs 18:2 says, “a fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart may discover itself.” The word translated discover, gâlâh (gaw – law´) means to make oneself naked in a disgraceful sense (1540). This term is associated with exile because captives were usually stripped before they were taken into captivity. When the Israelites went into captivity, they lost control of the land God had given them and were forced into pagan worship. Galah can also apply to the “revealing” of secrets and of ones innermost feelings. In this sense, galah refers to the revealing of our will, the intentions of our hearts.

I didn’t divorce my husband because he cheated on me, lied to me, or broke my heart. I divorced my husband because I didn’t believe God could change him. I had been praying for his behavior to change for many years and instead of it getting better, it kept getting worse, so I finally gave up. I wanted a husband that would love me, but what I didn’t know was that the problem wasn’t him, it was me. I was ashamed of being raped and felt he deserved to be with someone better than me.

 

Friendship

My best friend’s name is Shawn. We met 15 years ago when I was going through my divorce. At that time, Shawn was the happiest person I had ever known. She had been divorced for several years and was about to start over with a wonderful man. When I met John, I could tell he loved Shawn very much. The two of them seemed to be perfectly suited to each other. John was the strong silent type and Shawn his faithful companion. A little over a year after they were married, John died of cancer.

Proverbs 17:17 tells us that “a friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Another way of saying all times would be in every circumstance or in every season of our lives. The word translated brother, ’ach (awkh) typically refers to a blood relative, but “in several passages, the word ach connotes ‘companion’ or ‘colleague’ – that is, a brother by choice” (251). When Solomon said that a brother is born for adversity, he was implying that in the most difficult times of our lives, our best friend is there for us. His or her friendship is meant for that purpose.

The thing that attracted me to Shawn, her happiness, is what kept me by her side when she lost her husband to cancer. It was hard to watch her go through such a difficult trial and even today she still suffers in some ways, but Shawn has a beautiful heart and cares so deeply for the people around her that you can hardly tell how broken she is inside. I wish I could say I chose Shawn to be my best friend because of her happiness, but really it was her suffering that made me love her more than I do my own sister.

 

 

Beliefs

If there was a time in my life when I could have become an agnostic or atheist, it would probably have been when I was getting my master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. The school I attended was not only secular, but extremely liberal. There were several openly gay and lesbian students in my class and the primary focus of the program was humanistic behaviorism. During my application interview, I shared that I had recently found out my husband was having an affair. I was told I would most likely not make it through the program unless I divorced him.

Proverbs 16:3 tells us to “commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.” When we commit our works to the LORD, we are giving God ownership or control of our activities. What we do is for his glory and for the benefit of his kingdom. The word translated thoughts, machashabah is derived from the word chashab which “signifies a mental process whereby some course is planned or conceived. It means ‘to think, account, reckon, devise, plan'” (2803). The word translated established, kuwn “can refer to a concept as ‘established’ or ‘fixed’ so as to be unchanging and unchangeable” (3559).

In order to learn, a certain amount of open-mindedness is required. I was 39 years old and had been a Christian for 19 years when I began my master’s program, so I was pretty set in my ways and thought there was little chance my beliefs would be altered by what I experienced. About  halfway through the program, my belief system began to crumble. What I discovered was that love was the only basis for establishing relationships with my fellow students. God’s command to love my neighbor as myself became real and a personal challenge that got me through the program successfully.

 

Happiness

Before I retired, I worked for a large manufacturing company. I had no interest in working in a factory, but I felt very strongly that it was the Lord’s will for me to take the job. During the first few weeks, I cried everyday on my way to work. It felt like I had been thrown into the lion’s den and was going to be devoured by the cruelty of the people around me. Whenever I smiled at someone as I walked through the hallways, I got a blank stare in response. It was as if I was an alien creature and was invading their workplace.

It says in Proverbs 15:3, “The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.” The word translated place, mâqûwm (maw – kome´) is derived from the word quwm (koom) which means to rise. “Sometimes quwm is used in an intensive mood to signify empowering or strengthening…It is also used to denote the inevitable occurrence of something predicted or prearranged” (6965). The word translated beholding, tsâphâh (tsaw – faw´) means “to lean forward, i.e. to peer into the distance, by implication to observe, wait…to watch with a purpose” (6822).

It’s difficult to explain how getting out of the will of God can actually result in getting into the will of God, but when you are a Christian, it seems like every corner you turn, God is there waiting for you. It is impossible to get away from him. I believe God led me to work at a place that seemed to be void of Christians so that I could see what my life would be like without him. In the midst of my misery, I drew closer to him and realized that God was my only hope for real happiness in life.

Work

When my youngest son was 12, I started working full-time and six months later I started going to school full-time. The combination of working and going to school meant that I was away from home a lot and when I was there, I was completely distracted by what was going on in my life. Within four years, I obtained my masters degree. At work, I was promoted twice and increased my salary by seventy percent. The impact to my family was that my daughter became sexually active, my oldest son got into pornography, and my youngest son started using drugs.

It says in Proverbs 14:1, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” To pluck something down with your hands means you take it apart. You break it down or unbuild it. The phrase building your house typically means having children or raising a family (1129). Therefore, plucking down the house you have built implies that you are having a bad influence on your children or hindering them from growing up in the Lord. The word foolish can signify disregarding God’s will and also represents acts of senselessness, impropriety, and stupidity (5039).

Work is good and working hard is commendable, but there is a point where work can become unhealthy. Some people are workaholics, unable to say no to the demands of their careers. In my case, I felt I had to make up for lost time when I had been out of the workforce. In many ways, I was just being selfish, doing what I wanted to do. The bottom line was that working fueled my desire for independence and made me less reliant on my husband for financial security. Unfortunately, I failed to notice that my effort to succeed was breaking apart my family relationships.

Words

I’ve never been very talkative. As a child, I was extremely shy and spent a lot of time by myself. The only exception was when I got angry, then the words seemed to flow out of my mouth without any problem. Of course, what I said when I was angry wasn’t very good. In fact, most of the time, I wish I hadn’t said it. One time, when my ex-husband and I were in a heated argument, I told him I was going to leave him. Immediately, I knew I shouldn’t have said it, but the damage was already done.

It says in Proverbs 13:3, “He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.” The phrase open wide his lips is referring to the free flow of speech. There is no filter of what is being said. The words translated keepeth mean to guard or watch what is being said (5341, 8104). In other words, keeping your mouth shut instead of saying what is on your mind. The Hebrew word translated destruction is properly translated as a dissolution (4288). The idea being a breaking apart or breaking down of something.

In my relationship with my ex-husband, the threat of me leaving became like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Although we remained married for another ten years, our relationship began to slowly disintegrate after that argument. The lack of trust and insecurity undermined our ability to resolve our differences. When the topic of divorce came up, it was as if the matter had already been settled. There was no expectation that things would ever get better. The interesting thing about my relationship with my ex-husband was that he ended up leaving instead of the other way around, perhaps because he didn’t want to be the one left behind.

 

The Fool

One of the things I’m really good at is planning. I’m not the kind of person that likes to fly by the seat of my pants. I rarely do anything without first having a plan in place. When I got married, I planned to have a big family. I thought having 12 kids would be really cool. The only problem was my husband didn’t want any children and I failed to consult God about the matter. Instead, I plunged ahead, thinking my plan was a good one, I just needed to get my husband on board with it.

It says in Proverbs 12:15, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth to counsel is wise.” There are several variations of the word fool in the Bible. In this particular instance, the fool is someone that twists God’s ways into his own (191). The basic meaning of the word translated right, yashar is “‘to be straight’ in the sense of ‘to be level.’ The Israelites designated an easy road for traveling as a ‘level road.’ It had few inclines and declines compared to the mountain roads” (3477). In some instances, yashar is translated as convenient.

My desire to have a big family was consistent with the Bible, but it was not at all practical from the standpoint of my  family’s lifestyle. My husband’s job in the Marine Corps required him to be away from home for weeks, even months at a time. Once he was stationed overseas for an entire year. As much as I thought it would be easy to have more children, I had no idea how difficult it was for my husband and children to be separated from each other for long periods of time…but God knew, and I didn’t bother to ask him.