proverbs

Beliefs

If there was a time in my life when I could have become an agnostic or atheist, it would probably have been when I was getting my master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. The school I attended was not only secular, but extremely liberal. There were several openly gay and lesbian students in my class and the primary focus of the program was humanistic behaviorism. During my application interview, I shared that I had recently found out my husband was having an affair. I was told I would most likely not make it through the program unless I divorced him.

Proverbs 16:3 tells us to “commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.” When we commit our works to the LORD, we are giving God ownership or control of our activities. What we do is for his glory and for the benefit of his kingdom. The word translated thoughts, machashabah is derived from the word chashab which “signifies a mental process whereby some course is planned or conceived. It means ‘to think, account, reckon, devise, plan'” (2803). The word translated established, kuwn “can refer to a concept as ‘established’ or ‘fixed’ so as to be unchanging and unchangeable” (3559).

In order to learn, a certain amount of open-mindedness is required. I was 39 years old and had been a Christian for 19 years when I began my master’s program, so I was pretty set in my ways and thought there was little chance my beliefs would be altered by what I experienced. About  halfway through the program, my belief system began to crumble. What I discovered was that love was the only basis for establishing relationships with my fellow students. God’s command to love my neighbor as myself became real and a personal challenge that got me through the program successfully.

 

Happiness

Before I retired, I worked for a large manufacturing company. I had no interest in working in a factory, but I felt very strongly that it was the Lord’s will for me to take the job. During the first few weeks, I cried everyday on my way to work. It felt like I had been thrown into the lion’s den and was going to be devoured by the cruelty of the people around me. Whenever I smiled at someone as I walked through the hallways, I got a blank stare in response. It was as if I was an alien creature and was invading their workplace.

It says in Proverbs 15:3, “The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.” The word translated place, mâqûwm (maw – kome´) is derived from the word quwm (koom) which means to rise. “Sometimes quwm is used in an intensive mood to signify empowering or strengthening…It is also used to denote the inevitable occurrence of something predicted or prearranged” (6965). The word translated beholding, tsâphâh (tsaw – faw´) means “to lean forward, i.e. to peer into the distance, by implication to observe, wait…to watch with a purpose” (6822).

It’s difficult to explain how getting out of the will of God can actually result in getting into the will of God, but when you are a Christian, it seems like every corner you turn, God is there waiting for you. It is impossible to get away from him. I believe God led me to work at a place that seemed to be void of Christians so that I could see what my life would be like without him. In the midst of my misery, I drew closer to him and realized that God was my only hope for real happiness in life.

Work

When my youngest son was 12, I started working full-time and six months later I started going to school full-time. The combination of working and going to school meant that I was away from home a lot and when I was there, I was completely distracted by what was going on in my life. Within four years, I obtained my masters degree. At work, I was promoted twice and increased my salary by seventy percent. The impact to my family was that my daughter became sexually active, my oldest son got into pornography, and my youngest son started using drugs.

It says in Proverbs 14:1, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” To pluck something down with your hands means you take it apart. You break it down or unbuild it. The phrase building your house typically means having children or raising a family (1129). Therefore, plucking down the house you have built implies that you are having a bad influence on your children or hindering them from growing up in the Lord. The word foolish can signify disregarding God’s will and also represents acts of senselessness, impropriety, and stupidity (5039).

Work is good and working hard is commendable, but there is a point where work can become unhealthy. Some people are workaholics, unable to say no to the demands of their careers. In my case, I felt I had to make up for lost time when I had been out of the workforce. In many ways, I was just being selfish, doing what I wanted to do. The bottom line was that working fueled my desire for independence and made me less reliant on my husband for financial security. Unfortunately, I failed to notice that my effort to succeed was breaking apart my family relationships.

The Fool

One of the things I’m really good at is planning. I’m not the kind of person that likes to fly by the seat of my pants. I rarely do anything without first having a plan in place. When I got married, I planned to have a big family. I thought having 12 kids would be really cool. The only problem was my husband didn’t want any children and I failed to consult God about the matter. Instead, I plunged ahead, thinking my plan was a good one, I just needed to get my husband on board with it.

It says in Proverbs 12:15, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth to counsel is wise.” There are several variations of the word fool in the Bible. In this particular instance, the fool is someone that twists God’s ways into his own (191). The basic meaning of the word translated right, yashar is “‘to be straight’ in the sense of ‘to be level.’ The Israelites designated an easy road for traveling as a ‘level road.’ It had few inclines and declines compared to the mountain roads” (3477). In some instances, yashar is translated as convenient.

My desire to have a big family was consistent with the Bible, but it was not at all practical from the standpoint of my  family’s lifestyle. My husband’s job in the Marine Corps required him to be away from home for weeks, even months at a time. Once he was stationed overseas for an entire year. As much as I thought it would be easy to have more children, I had no idea how difficult it was for my husband and children to be separated from each other for long periods of time…but God knew, and I didn’t bother to ask him.

Help

A pattern that developed very early in my life was never asking anyone for help. It seems like my attitude has always been, I can do this by myself. When I was married, my husband was in the Marine Corps. Five months after our youngest son was born, he left on a six month deployment overseas. Even though many times I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of three small children, I never once asked anyone for help. Over the course of our 20 year marriage, my husband was gone a total of 7 years, and I can’t remember one time I ever asked anyone for help.

It says in Proverbs 11:2, “When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom.” The word translated lowly, tsâna‘ (tsaw – nah´) means to humiliate (6800). It is referring to the characteristic of humility, not in the sense that one has it, but that it is being developed or formed in a person. Pride and humility are opposites and to a certain extent you could say that as one increases, the other decreases. Therefore, the process of being humbled or humiliated involves the removal of pride and God often uses our shame as a part of the process.

Asking for help may not seem like a humbling experience, but if you are or know of someone that is filled with pride you understand why it is so difficult. At the core of pride is a sense of independence. Being able to take care of myself made me feel secure. In some ways, taking care of myself was a coping mechanism that enable me to survive in what I perceived to be a very dangerous environment, but more than anything else, it kept me isolated and prevented me from being hurt or disappointed by people around me.

Folly

The first compromise I made after becoming a Christian was a very small one. I decided to get a part-time job to supplement my husband’s income. We had survived for seven years living paycheck to paycheck and I thought it was time for me to do my part to help with our financial situation. My first job was only temporary, but it opened the door for me to be away from home in the evening after my husband got home from work. After my youngest son started school, I got a permanent position working part-time at a high school near our home.

It says in Proverbs 9:13-17, “A foolish woman is clamorous, she is simple, and knoweth nothing. For she sitteth at the door of her house, on a seat in the high places of the city, to call passengers who go straight on their way: whoso is simple, let him turn in hither: and as for him that wanteth understanding, she saith to him, stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” In using the term foolish woman, Soloman “is describing an enemy of God who knew God and his word but, seeing the wicked flourishing, reasoned that they have the right lifestyle…They have knowledge of God but do not properly evaluate or understand what they know” (3684).

Initially, there was no negative impact to my family from me working outside our home, but over time, our lifestyle changed dramatically. I became less and less aware of what was going on in my children’s lives and my husband and I rarely had any time to ourselves. I never thought about the damage that was being done to my family’s relationships and we continued to live paycheck to paycheck in spite of the additional income my job provided.

Competition

I have two brothers, one older and one younger, and a younger sister. The four of us are close in ages. There is only five years difference between the oldest and youngest siblings. There was an atmosphere of competition in our home and it seemed like there was always some kind of conflict going on. In a recent conversation with my sister, she said she thought we didn’t lover each other. I told her we did, but never expressed it because we were too wrapped up in our daily survival.

Proverbs 6 says, “These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: a proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren” (Proverbs 6:16-19). The last item on the list, he that soweth discord among brethren, may have been an afterthought or it could be the root cause of all the others. The Hebrew word for discord is related to a judicial word marking the act whereby men’s position and destiny are decided (1777). It seems that discord could be an indicator of a lack of authority and rebellion against the sovereignty of God.

At the core of completion is a desire to have things our own way. The competitiveness I experienced growing up caused me to struggle as an adult because I was unwilling to let go of certain outcomes that I desired. In some respects, my stubbornness was healthy, but for the most part, I was continually disappointed when I didn’t get my way. It wasn’t until I found out my husband was having an affair that I realized discord in a marriage can produce disastrous results.

Regret

When I got married, I had the mentality that I was damaged goods. Not only had I been raped several times, but I willingly had sex with numerous men. My identity was stripped away as little by little, I let myself become nothing more than a body that men used for sexual pleasure. The shame and degradation I felt made me so sick of myself that it was hard to imagine that anyone could actually love me. The outcome of being raped was that my heart and soul became separated from my body and I was no longer able to feel love.

Proverbs 5 contains a warning against sexual immorality that indicates it can destroy your body. Referring to the end result, it says in Proverbs 5:11, “And thou mourn at the last, when thy flesh and thy body are consumed.” The Hebrew word translated last, achariyth (akh – ar – eeth´) is derived from the word achar (akh – ar´) which means after or afterward (310). “In some passages, achariyth represents the ‘ultimate outcome’ of a person’s life” (319). The implication being that you don’t regret sexual immorality until after you have experienced the end result, usually some kind of damage to your body.

Physical touch is only one of the ways that love can be communicated, but it is extremely important in the communication of love between a husband and wife. As a result of experiencing the trauma of being raped, I became numb to certain kinds of touch and allowed myself to go through the motions of having sex without feeling any emotional attachment to the person I was with. After I was married, I regretted the way I let men treat me, but it was too late to undo the damage that had been done by repeatedly shutting down my emotions during sex.

Darkness

The first few years of my marriage were very happy ones. Becoming a mom was the best possible thing that could have happened to me, but after having three children, my ex-husband decided to have a vasectomy. My independent nature caused me to rebel against his decision and before long I found myself unhappy with my situation. I didn’t wake up one day thinking this sucks, there was a gradual change in my disposition. I went from being a very happy, contented wife to a miserable wretch over the course of about three years.

Proverbs 4:19 says, “The way of the wicked is as darkness: they know not at what they stumble.” The Hebrew word translated darkness, aphelah means duskiness (653). Aphelah is another form of the word aphel which means to set as the sun (651). The transition from day to night happens slowly and gradually, not in an instant like the flipping of a light switch. The problem with duskiness is that you can still see well enough to function, but your vision is distorted because of insufficient light. A wicked person that is guilty enough to deserve punishment, but does not, is probably avoiding punishment because his behavior overall is still pretty good.

What I didn’t see during the years when my marriage began to unravel was that I was becoming cold and indifferent to the people around me. Of course, the primary target of my selfish behavior was my husband, but my bad attitude affected everyone. I was difficult to get along with and I expected God to bless me even though I was living contrary to what it says a wife is supposed to in the Bible. I didn’t realize my unwillingness to submit to my husband was a serious sin that could ruin my marriage.

Correction

The biggest problem I had when I became a Christian was sexual addition. Even though I knew sex outside of marriage was wrong, I had a habit of having sex with every guy I got involved with. Within a year of giving my life to Christ, I got pregnant. Because I had already had two abortions and knew that ending my pregnancy meant I would be killing my unborn child, I decided I would keep my baby no matter what. The baby’s father and I got married and had two more children in the first few years of our marriage.

If you are not used to being disciplined, being a Christian can be difficult and sometimes unpleasant. In Proverbs, it says that God disciplines us because he loves us. “My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction; for whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth (Proverbs 3:11-12). The Hebrew word translated correction, towkachath (to – kakh´ – ath) is derived from the word yakach (yaw – kahh´) which means to be right (3198). These two words have the connotation of giving proof or evidence in order to decide a case (8433).

While I was married, no one suspected that I had a problem with sex. On the surface, everything appeared to be normal. It wasn’t until my marriage failed that I was confronted with the truth, being cut off from my source of sex made me very anxious. Although I knew I could survive for a period of time, the thought of never having sex again was too much for me to handle. What I realize now, after being divorced for 14 years, is that my desire for sex may never go away, but I do not have to fulfill it.