relationships

A mistake

A few years after I was divorced, I met a man that was very kind to me. It may sound strange, but up until that point in my life, I had never known a man that was kind to me. Even though Chris was a perfect gentleman, I didn’t trust him. One evening when he came to visit me, Chris asked me to go outside with him to look at the moon. As we were gazing up into the sky, I sensed his powerful presence as he stood close behind me. I turned and looked at him and said, I’m not going to sleep with you.

Proverbs 21:5 says, “the thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenteousness, but every one that is hasty only to want.” The word translated hasty, ’ûwts (oots) means to press and by implication to be close. It also means to hurry or withdraw (213). The word want indicates a deficiency or some sort, so hastiness resulting in want could mean a failed effort or losing something due to a rushed effort. The thoughts of the diligent being successful probably means that you’ve thought things through before initiating an action or planned for something ahead of time.

What I said to Chris was a mistake, but it was consistent with what I was feeling in the moment. I was afraid and didn’t know how to handle the intimacy of the situation. I wanted to stop what was happening, not because it was dangerous, but because I couldn’t handle the flood of emotions that was coming over me. Emotions can cause us to do things we wouldn’t normally do. In my case, fear made me react to Chris in a way that was inappropriate. My hasty remark not only ruined a special moment, but it damaged our relationship.

Willpower

I think there comes a time in every Christian’s walk with the Lord when our will and God’s will are opposed to each other. Because we have free will, God does not overrule us. In fact, if we insist on having our own way, God allows us to do what we want, he does not stand in our way. The biggest mistake I’ve ever made occurred because I thought I knew better than God what was best for me. I thought I would be better off living the rest of my life by myself rather than staying married to the father of my children.

Proverbs 18:2 says, “a fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart may discover itself.” The word translated discover, gâlâh (gaw – law´) means to make oneself naked in a disgraceful sense (1540). This term is associated with exile because captives were usually stripped before they were taken into captivity. When the Israelites went into captivity, they lost control of the land God had given them and were forced into pagan worship. Galah can also apply to the “revealing” of secrets and of ones innermost feelings. In this sense, galah refers to the revealing of our will, the intentions of our hearts.

I didn’t divorce my husband because he cheated on me, lied to me, or broke my heart. I divorced my husband because I didn’t believe God could change him. I had been praying for his behavior to change for many years and instead of it getting better, it kept getting worse, so I finally gave up. I wanted a husband that would love me, but what I didn’t know was that the problem wasn’t him, it was me. I was ashamed of being raped and felt he deserved to be with someone better than me.

 

Friendship

My best friend’s name is Shawn. We met 15 years ago when I was going through my divorce. At that time, Shawn was the happiest person I had ever known. She had been divorced for several years and was about to start over with a wonderful man. When I met John, I could tell he loved Shawn very much. The two of them seemed to be perfectly suited to each other. John was the strong silent type and Shawn his faithful companion. A little over a year after they were married, John died of cancer.

Proverbs 17:17 tells us that “a friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Another way of saying all times would be in every circumstance or in every season of our lives. The word translated brother, ’ach (awkh) typically refers to a blood relative, but “in several passages, the word ach connotes ‘companion’ or ‘colleague’ – that is, a brother by choice” (251). When Solomon said that a brother is born for adversity, he was implying that in the most difficult times of our lives, our best friend is there for us. His or her friendship is meant for that purpose.

The thing that attracted me to Shawn, her happiness, is what kept me by her side when she lost her husband to cancer. It was hard to watch her go through such a difficult trial and even today she still suffers in some ways, but Shawn has a beautiful heart and cares so deeply for the people around her that you can hardly tell how broken she is inside. I wish I could say I chose Shawn to be my best friend because of her happiness, but really it was her suffering that made me love her more than I do my own sister.

 

 

Beliefs

If there was a time in my life when I could have become an agnostic or atheist, it would probably have been when I was getting my master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. The school I attended was not only secular, but extremely liberal. There were several openly gay and lesbian students in my class and the primary focus of the program was humanistic behaviorism. During my application interview, I shared that I had recently found out my husband was having an affair. I was told I would most likely not make it through the program unless I divorced him.

Proverbs 16:3 tells us to “commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.” When we commit our works to the LORD, we are giving God ownership or control of our activities. What we do is for his glory and for the benefit of his kingdom. The word translated thoughts, machashabah is derived from the word chashab which “signifies a mental process whereby some course is planned or conceived. It means ‘to think, account, reckon, devise, plan'” (2803). The word translated established, kuwn “can refer to a concept as ‘established’ or ‘fixed’ so as to be unchanging and unchangeable” (3559).

In order to learn, a certain amount of open-mindedness is required. I was 39 years old and had been a Christian for 19 years when I began my master’s program, so I was pretty set in my ways and thought there was little chance my beliefs would be altered by what I experienced. About  halfway through the program, my belief system began to crumble. What I discovered was that love was the only basis for establishing relationships with my fellow students. God’s command to love my neighbor as myself became real and a personal challenge that got me through the program successfully.

 

Work

When my youngest son was 12, I started working full-time and six months later I started going to school full-time. The combination of working and going to school meant that I was away from home a lot and when I was there, I was completely distracted by what was going on in my life. Within four years, I obtained my masters degree. At work, I was promoted twice and increased my salary by seventy percent. The impact to my family was that my daughter became sexually active, my oldest son got into pornography, and my youngest son started using drugs.

It says in Proverbs 14:1, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” To pluck something down with your hands means you take it apart. You break it down or unbuild it. The phrase building your house typically means having children or raising a family (1129). Therefore, plucking down the house you have built implies that you are having a bad influence on your children or hindering them from growing up in the Lord. The word foolish can signify disregarding God’s will and also represents acts of senselessness, impropriety, and stupidity (5039).

Work is good and working hard is commendable, but there is a point where work can become unhealthy. Some people are workaholics, unable to say no to the demands of their careers. In my case, I felt I had to make up for lost time when I had been out of the workforce. In many ways, I was just being selfish, doing what I wanted to do. The bottom line was that working fueled my desire for independence and made me less reliant on my husband for financial security. Unfortunately, I failed to notice that my effort to succeed was breaking apart my family relationships.

Words

I’ve never been very talkative. As a child, I was extremely shy and spent a lot of time by myself. The only exception was when I got angry, then the words seemed to flow out of my mouth without any problem. Of course, what I said when I was angry wasn’t very good. In fact, most of the time, I wish I hadn’t said it. One time, when my ex-husband and I were in a heated argument, I told him I was going to leave him. Immediately, I knew I shouldn’t have said it, but the damage was already done.

It says in Proverbs 13:3, “He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.” The phrase open wide his lips is referring to the free flow of speech. There is no filter of what is being said. The words translated keepeth mean to guard or watch what is being said (5341, 8104). In other words, keeping your mouth shut instead of saying what is on your mind. The Hebrew word translated destruction is properly translated as a dissolution (4288). The idea being a breaking apart or breaking down of something.

In my relationship with my ex-husband, the threat of me leaving became like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Although we remained married for another ten years, our relationship began to slowly disintegrate after that argument. The lack of trust and insecurity undermined our ability to resolve our differences. When the topic of divorce came up, it was as if the matter had already been settled. There was no expectation that things would ever get better. The interesting thing about my relationship with my ex-husband was that he ended up leaving instead of the other way around, perhaps because he didn’t want to be the one left behind.

 

Forgiveness

A significant flaw in my development as a Christian was a lack of forgiveness. Not only did I have a difficult time letting go of the past, but my physical and emotional wounds as a child and young teenager made me want to isolate myself rather than engage in healthy relationships. My marriage was a constant struggle because I had a tendency to keep track of my husband’s mistakes and would not give up trying to get my own way when we got into a conflict. Many times my husband got the cold shoulder when we went to bed because I was still angry from a fight we had.

Proverbs 10:12 contrasts two ways of dealing with conflict. It says, “hatred stirs up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” This verse refers particularly to the love between man and wife. Solomon indicates the choice to stir up strife or cover one’s sin is based on your feeling toward that person. The word translated hatred, sânê’ (saw – nay´) means to be unloved. “The word covers emotion ranging from bitter disdain to outright hatred (8130). Whereas love causes us to cover up or overlook an offence, hatred rouses us to action, it makes us want to fight.

If someone would have asked me, do you love your husband? I’m sure I would have said yes, but my behavior was consistent with hatred more than it was love. The problem with emotions is that they can be suppressed and hidden within the unconscious mind for many years. I didn’t actually feel a lot of what was going on inside of me while I was married. It wasn’t until I exploded that I realized I was angry and even then I sometimes blamed my anger on things that had nothing to do with the real issue.

Folly

The first compromise I made after becoming a Christian was a very small one. I decided to get a part-time job to supplement my husband’s income. We had survived for seven years living paycheck to paycheck and I thought it was time for me to do my part to help with our financial situation. My first job was only temporary, but it opened the door for me to be away from home in the evening after my husband got home from work. After my youngest son started school, I got a permanent position working part-time at a high school near our home.

It says in Proverbs 9:13-17, “A foolish woman is clamorous, she is simple, and knoweth nothing. For she sitteth at the door of her house, on a seat in the high places of the city, to call passengers who go straight on their way: whoso is simple, let him turn in hither: and as for him that wanteth understanding, she saith to him, stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” In using the term foolish woman, Soloman “is describing an enemy of God who knew God and his word but, seeing the wicked flourishing, reasoned that they have the right lifestyle…They have knowledge of God but do not properly evaluate or understand what they know” (3684).

Initially, there was no negative impact to my family from me working outside our home, but over time, our lifestyle changed dramatically. I became less and less aware of what was going on in my children’s lives and my husband and I rarely had any time to ourselves. I never thought about the damage that was being done to my family’s relationships and we continued to live paycheck to paycheck in spite of the additional income my job provided.

Jealousy

The root cause of the conflict between Rick and I was jealousy. Although Rick was almost 40 and had never been married when we met, he was extremely attractive and had a way of connecting with women that made me wonder why he was still a bachelor. What I realized after I got to know him was that Rick fell in love with every woman he met and was unable to commit to being with just one person. If I wanted to be a part of his life, I would have to share Rick with all the other women that loved him just as much as I did.

Like me, Solomon’s lover wanted to be the only woman in his life. She said to him, “Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm” (Solomon 8:6). Women seem to be more inclined toward jealousy and have a hard time accepting the idea that it is possible to love more than one person. Solomon’s lover concluded, “For love is as strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave; the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame” (Solomon 8:6). It is very dangerous to fall in love with a man that cannot be faithful to one woman.

The reason jealousy is as cruel as the grave is because it can separate us from the one we love. When Rick left me, it broke my heart. It felt like I was dead or that I might die because of how miserable I was without him. But, as much as I wanted to be with him, I couldn’t bring myself to the point of accepting that Rick didn’t belong to me. Rick was not a possession, he was a man, free to love whomever he pleased.

Insecurity

A characteristic that attracted Rick to me, was my confidence. My job as a workshop facilitator reinforced his image of me as someone that commanded respect. What Rick didn’t know was that on the inside I was very insecure and I felt unworthy of his love. In spite of his constant affection, Rick was unable to convince me that his love was genuine and that I was the most important person in his life. Three weeks before our wedding, we had a huge argument and Rick abandoned me, leaving me at a time when I needed him most.

King Solomon described his love’s appearance many times in the Song of Solomon. It is clear Solomon perceived her to be a strong woman because he said of her, “Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armory, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men” (Solomon 4:4). Solomon also used the word undefiled to describe his love, a term that means perfect and stresses moral integrity (8535). In spite of the respect Solomon showed his love, she did not feel secure in their relationship. On one occasion, Solomon abandoned his love because she had locked him out of their bedroom (Solomon 5:3-6).

Sexual intimacy between a man and woman is based on trust. It cannot be established or maintained if there is a feeling of insecurity in the relationship. The fight Rick and I had shortly before our wedding was due to my insecurity. I didn’t believe that he really loved me. In spite of his many demonstrations of love, I thought it was impossible for Rick to love me because I had been defiled when I was raped. What I needed to know was that Rick would never leave me or forsake me, but instead, he did.