love

Friendship

My best friend’s name is Shawn. We met 15 years ago when I was going through my divorce. At that time, Shawn was the happiest person I had ever known. She had been divorced for several years and was about to start over with a wonderful man. When I met John, I could tell he loved Shawn very much. The two of them seemed to be perfectly suited to each other. John was the strong silent type and Shawn his faithful companion. A little over a year after they were married, John died of cancer.

Proverbs 17:17 tells us that “a friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Another way of saying all times would be in every circumstance or in every season of our lives. The word translated brother, ’ach (awkh) typically refers to a blood relative, but “in several passages, the word ach connotes ‘companion’ or ‘colleague’ – that is, a brother by choice” (251). When Solomon said that a brother is born for adversity, he was implying that in the most difficult times of our lives, our best friend is there for us. His or her friendship is meant for that purpose.

The thing that attracted me to Shawn, her happiness, is what kept me by her side when she lost her husband to cancer. It was hard to watch her go through such a difficult trial and even today she still suffers in some ways, but Shawn has a beautiful heart and cares so deeply for the people around her that you can hardly tell how broken she is inside. I wish I could say I chose Shawn to be my best friend because of her happiness, but really it was her suffering that made me love her more than I do my own sister.

 

 

Beliefs

If there was a time in my life when I could have become an agnostic or atheist, it would probably have been when I was getting my master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. The school I attended was not only secular, but extremely liberal. There were several openly gay and lesbian students in my class and the primary focus of the program was humanistic behaviorism. During my application interview, I shared that I had recently found out my husband was having an affair. I was told I would most likely not make it through the program unless I divorced him.

Proverbs 16:3 tells us to “commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.” When we commit our works to the LORD, we are giving God ownership or control of our activities. What we do is for his glory and for the benefit of his kingdom. The word translated thoughts, machashabah is derived from the word chashab which “signifies a mental process whereby some course is planned or conceived. It means ‘to think, account, reckon, devise, plan'” (2803). The word translated established, kuwn “can refer to a concept as ‘established’ or ‘fixed’ so as to be unchanging and unchangeable” (3559).

In order to learn, a certain amount of open-mindedness is required. I was 39 years old and had been a Christian for 19 years when I began my master’s program, so I was pretty set in my ways and thought there was little chance my beliefs would be altered by what I experienced. About  halfway through the program, my belief system began to crumble. What I discovered was that love was the only basis for establishing relationships with my fellow students. God’s command to love my neighbor as myself became real and a personal challenge that got me through the program successfully.

 

Forgiveness

A significant flaw in my development as a Christian was a lack of forgiveness. Not only did I have a difficult time letting go of the past, but my physical and emotional wounds as a child and young teenager made me want to isolate myself rather than engage in healthy relationships. My marriage was a constant struggle because I had a tendency to keep track of my husband’s mistakes and would not give up trying to get my own way when we got into a conflict. Many times my husband got the cold shoulder when we went to bed because I was still angry from a fight we had.

Proverbs 10:12 contrasts two ways of dealing with conflict. It says, “hatred stirs up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” This verse refers particularly to the love between man and wife. Solomon indicates the choice to stir up strife or cover one’s sin is based on your feeling toward that person. The word translated hatred, sânê’ (saw – nay´) means to be unloved. “The word covers emotion ranging from bitter disdain to outright hatred (8130). Whereas love causes us to cover up or overlook an offence, hatred rouses us to action, it makes us want to fight.

If someone would have asked me, do you love your husband? I’m sure I would have said yes, but my behavior was consistent with hatred more than it was love. The problem with emotions is that they can be suppressed and hidden within the unconscious mind for many years. I didn’t actually feel a lot of what was going on inside of me while I was married. It wasn’t until I exploded that I realized I was angry and even then I sometimes blamed my anger on things that had nothing to do with the real issue.

Jealousy

The root cause of the conflict between Rick and I was jealousy. Although Rick was almost 40 and had never been married when we met, he was extremely attractive and had a way of connecting with women that made me wonder why he was still a bachelor. What I realized after I got to know him was that Rick fell in love with every woman he met and was unable to commit to being with just one person. If I wanted to be a part of his life, I would have to share Rick with all the other women that loved him just as much as I did.

Like me, Solomon’s lover wanted to be the only woman in his life. She said to him, “Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm” (Solomon 8:6). Women seem to be more inclined toward jealousy and have a hard time accepting the idea that it is possible to love more than one person. Solomon’s lover concluded, “For love is as strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave; the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame” (Solomon 8:6). It is very dangerous to fall in love with a man that cannot be faithful to one woman.

The reason jealousy is as cruel as the grave is because it can separate us from the one we love. When Rick left me, it broke my heart. It felt like I was dead or that I might die because of how miserable I was without him. But, as much as I wanted to be with him, I couldn’t bring myself to the point of accepting that Rick didn’t belong to me. Rick was not a possession, he was a man, free to love whomever he pleased.

Insecurity

A characteristic that attracted Rick to me, was my confidence. My job as a workshop facilitator reinforced his image of me as someone that commanded respect. What Rick didn’t know was that on the inside I was very insecure and I felt unworthy of his love. In spite of his constant affection, Rick was unable to convince me that his love was genuine and that I was the most important person in his life. Three weeks before our wedding, we had a huge argument and Rick abandoned me, leaving me at a time when I needed him most.

King Solomon described his love’s appearance many times in the Song of Solomon. It is clear Solomon perceived her to be a strong woman because he said of her, “Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armory, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men” (Solomon 4:4). Solomon also used the word undefiled to describe his love, a term that means perfect and stresses moral integrity (8535). In spite of the respect Solomon showed his love, she did not feel secure in their relationship. On one occasion, Solomon abandoned his love because she had locked him out of their bedroom (Solomon 5:3-6).

Sexual intimacy between a man and woman is based on trust. It cannot be established or maintained if there is a feeling of insecurity in the relationship. The fight Rick and I had shortly before our wedding was due to my insecurity. I didn’t believe that he really loved me. In spite of his many demonstrations of love, I thought it was impossible for Rick to love me because I had been defiled when I was raped. What I needed to know was that Rick would never leave me or forsake me, but instead, he did.

Falling in love

Nine years ago I was blessed with the experience of falling in love with a wonderful man. I met Rick while I was on a business trip in another state. Ours was truly a whirlwind romance. On our second date, Rick took me to meet his family. Afterwards, it felt like my dream of finding a man that would love me had come true. I was so in love with Rick that when it came time to go home at the end of my trip, I could hardly think of anything but spending the rest of my life with him.

The Song of Solomon is the story of a woman that falls in love with king Solomon. The woman’s name is not given. Solomon refers to her as my love and says of her beauty, “Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair” (Solomon 1:15). After being introduced to Solomon’s household, Solomon’s lover states, “He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick with love” (Solomon 2:4-5). And then she gives this advice, “I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please” (Solomon 2:7).

Falling in love in not only an intense emotional experience, it is similar to coming down with a bad case of the flu, if you have to be separated from the one you love. You become weak. You can’t eat or sleep and your heart aches to be in his arms again. My long distance relationship with Rick was torture. It was all I could do to just get through each day. My only hope of survival was the thought of seeing him again on my next business trip.

Truth and mercy

Two components of a relationship with God are truth and mercy. Every relationship with the LORD has these characteristics, so if you know him, you should expect to see truth and mercy. They are evidence that a relationship actually exists. It says in Psalm 117 and 118 that the truth of the LORD and his mercy endureth for ever. That means they are eternal or timeless. God’s truth and mercy are always available.

God’s truth is associated with his work. It says in Psalm 111:7 that “the works of his hands are verity and judgment.” The same word translated verity in this verse is translated as truth in Psalm 117:2 where it says, “the truth of the LORD endureth for ever.” The Hebrew word ’emeth means stability (571). God is trustworthy. He is like a firm foundation that enables a house to stand for many years. Everything he does as a result of our relationship with him will withstand the test of time.

God’s mercy is associated with his love or lovingness toward those whom he has a relationship with. The Hebrew word for God’s mercy, chesed is often translated as loving-kindness. “Chesed implies personal involvement and commitment in a relationship beyond the rule of law…Biblical usage frequently speaks of someone ‘doing,’ ‘showing,’or ‘keeping’ chesed” (2617).

In Psalm 118:22-23 it says, “The stone which the builders refused is become the head stone of the corner. This is the LORD’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.” The word translated doing in this passage is ’êth (ayth). It is properly translated as nearness. Eth is generally thought of as being with or by someone. Jesus quoted psalm 118:22-23 in his parable of the husbandmen (Matthew 21:42) except in the version of the story recorded in Mark 12:1-11, instead of saying this is the LORD’s doing, it indicates that Jesus said, “This was the LORD’s doing” (Mark 12:11).

The parable of the husbandmen is about the owner of a vineyard who tries to collect fruit from his husbandmen, but instead is left empty handed. Jesus’ reference to the stone that was rejected implied that he knew the chief priests and Pharisees were planning to kill him (Mark 12:12). In Psalm 118:17-18, it says, “I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD. The LORD hath chastened me sore: but he hath not given me over unto death.”

The love that God demonstrates is not sentimental, but intended to produce fruit or good results in the form of a visible expression of power (2590). God’s mercy or loving-kindness towards his son Jesus was demonstrated when he raised him from the dead, three days after the chief priests and Pharisees had him put to death. The truth of his resurrection is still be declared 2000 years later.

A large Family

I was typical in the time David lived for a man to have a large family. Children were considered to be a blessing from God and in particular, sons were a sign of God’s favor. Although it was intended that a man have only one wife, it was customary for men to have multiple wives based on their ability to financially support them. Therefore, the number of wives a man had was an indication of his wealth.

David had at least seven wives and 20+ children. During the first seven years of his reign as king, while he was living in Hebron, he had six wives. After he became king of all Israel and was living in Jerusalem, he married his seventh wife Bath-Shua (1 Chronicles 3:5). It appears that the children born by Bath-Shua became David’s primary family and eventually, one of her sons, Solomon succeeded David as king of Israel.

Solomon, who was probably the richest man to ever live, had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Even though Solomon was capable of supporting all of his wives, it is questionable whether or not he actually loved any of them. As king of Israel, he only needed one heir and could not have spent any considerable amount of time with his children given that there were probably hundreds if not thousands of them.

David’s intention of establishing God’s kingdom on Earth led him to the battlefield where he was extremely successful and obedient in following God’s commands, but his home life was a different story. Somehow, David missed the point when it came to setting a good example in his home. There is only one way to explain his failure as a father. The love he had for God did not translate into loving other people.