Author: Calleen Hough

Beliefs

If there was a time in my life when I could have become an agnostic or atheist, it would probably have been when I was getting my master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science. The school I attended was not only secular, but extremely liberal. There were several openly gay and lesbian students in my class and the primary focus of the program was humanistic behaviorism. During my application interview, I shared that I had recently found out my husband was having an affair. I was told I would most likely not make it through the program unless I divorced him.

Proverbs 16:3 tells us to “commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.” When we commit our works to the LORD, we are giving God ownership or control of our activities. What we do is for his glory and for the benefit of his kingdom. The word translated thoughts, machashabah is derived from the word chashab which “signifies a mental process whereby some course is planned or conceived. It means ‘to think, account, reckon, devise, plan'” (2803). The word translated established, kuwn “can refer to a concept as ‘established’ or ‘fixed’ so as to be unchanging and unchangeable” (3559).

In order to learn, a certain amount of open-mindedness is required. I was 39 years old and had been a Christian for 19 years when I began my master’s program, so I was pretty set in my ways and thought there was little chance my beliefs would be altered by what I experienced. About halfway through the program, my belief system began to crumble. What I discovered was that love was the only basis for establishing relationships with my fellow students. God’s command to love my neighbor as myself became real and a personal challenge that got me through the program successfully.

Happiness

Before I retired, I worked for a large manufacturing company. I had no interest in working in a factory, but I felt very strongly that it was the Lord’s will for me to take the job. During the first few weeks, I cried everyday on my way to work. It felt like I had been thrown into the lion’s den and was going to be devoured by the cruelty of the people around me. Whenever I smiled at someone as I walked through the hallways, I got a blank stare in response. It was as if I was an alien creature and was invading their workplace.

It says in Proverbs 15:3, “The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.” The word translated place, mâqûwm (maw – kome´) is derived from the word quwm (koom) which means to rise. “Sometimes quwm is used in an intensive mood to signify empowering or strengthening…It is also used to denote the inevitable occurrence of something predicted or prearranged” (6965). The word translated beholding, tsâphâh (tsaw – faw´) means “to lean forward, i.e. to peer into the distance, by implication to observe, wait…to watch with a purpose” (6822).

It’s difficult to explain how getting out of the will of God can actually result in getting into the will of God, but when you are a Christian, it seems like every corner you turn, God is there waiting for you. It is impossible to get away from him. I believe God led me to work at a place that seemed to be void of Christians so that I could see what my life would be like without him. In the midst of my misery, I drew closer to him and realized that God was my only hope for real happiness in life.

Work

When my youngest son was 12, I started working full-time and six months later I started going to school full-time. The combination of working and going to school meant that I was away from home a lot and when I was there, I was completely distracted by what was going on in my life. Within four years, I obtained my masters degree. At work, I was promoted twice and increased my salary by seventy percent. The impact to my family was that my daughter became sexually active, my oldest son got into pornography, and my youngest son started using drugs.

It says in Proverbs 14:1, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” To pluck something down with your hands means you take it apart. You break it down or unbuild it. The phrase building your house typically means having children or raising a family (1129). Therefore, plucking down the house you have built implies that you are having a bad influence on your children or hindering them from growing up in the Lord. The word foolish can signify disregarding God’s will and also represents acts of senselessness, impropriety, and stupidity (5039).

Work is good and working hard is commendable, but there is a point where work can become unhealthy. Some people are workaholics, unable to say no to the demands of their careers. In my case, I felt I had to make up for lost time when I had been out of the workforce. In many ways, I was just being selfish, doing what I wanted to do. The bottom line was that working fueled my desire for independence and made me less reliant on my husband for financial security. Unfortunately, I failed to notice that my effort to succeed was breaking apart my family relationships.

Words

I’ve never been very talkative. As a child, I was extremely shy and spent a lot of time by myself. The only exception was when I got angry, then the words seemed to flow out of my mouth without any problem. Of course, what I said when I was angry wasn’t very good. In fact, most of the time, I wish I hadn’t said it. One time, when my ex-husband and I were in a heated argument, I told him I was going to leave him. Immediately, I knew I shouldn’t have said it, but the damage was already done.

It says in Proverbs 13:3, “He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.” The phrase open wide his lips is referring to the free flow of speech. There is no filter of what is being said. The words translated keepeth mean to guard or watch what is being said (5341, 8104). In other words, keeping your mouth shut instead of saying what is on your mind. The Hebrew word translated destruction is properly translated as a dissolution (4288). The idea being a breaking apart or breaking down of something.

In my relationship with my ex-husband, the threat of me leaving became like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Although we remained married for another ten years, our relationship began to slowly disintegrate after that argument. The lack of trust and insecurity undermined our ability to resolve our differences. When the topic of divorce came up, it was as if the matter had already been settled. There was no expectation that things would ever get better. The interesting thing about my relationship with my ex-husband was that he ended up leaving instead of the other way around, perhaps because he didn’t want to be the one left behind.

The Fool

One of the things I’m really good at is planning. I’m not the kind of person that likes to fly by the seat of my pants. I rarely do anything without first having a plan in place. When I got married, I planned to have a big family. I thought having 12 kids would be really cool. The only problem was my husband didn’t want any children and I failed to consult God about the matter. Instead, I plunged ahead, thinking my plan was a good one, I just needed to get my husband on board with it.

It says in Proverbs 12:15, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth to counsel is wise.” There are several variations of the word fool in the Bible. In this particular instance, the fool is someone that twists God’s ways into his own (191). The basic meaning of the word translated right, yashar is “‘to be straight’ in the sense of ‘to be level.’ The Israelites designated an easy road for traveling as a ‘level road.’ It had few inclines and declines compared to the mountain roads” (3477). In some instances, yashar is translated as convenient.

My desire to have a big family was consistent with the Bible, but it was not at all practical from the standpoint of my family’s lifestyle. My husband’s job in the Marine Corps required him to be away from home for weeks, even months at a time. Once he was stationed overseas for an entire year. As much as I thought it would be easy to have more children, I had no idea how difficult it was for my husband and children to be separated from each other for long periods of time…but God knew, and I didn’t bother to ask him.

Help

A pattern that developed very early in my life was never asking anyone for help. It seems like my attitude has always been, I can do this by myself. When I was married, my husband was in the Marine Corps. Five months after our youngest son was born, he left on a six month deployment overseas. Even though many times I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of three small children, I never once asked anyone for help. Over the course of our 20 year marriage, my husband was gone a total of 7 years, and I can’t remember one time I ever asked anyone for help.

It says in Proverbs 11:2, “When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom.” The word translated lowly, tsâna‘ (tsaw – nah´) means to humiliate (6800). It is referring to the characteristic of humility, not in the sense that one has it, but that it is being developed or formed in a person. Pride and humility are opposites and to a certain extent you could say that as one increases, the other decreases. Therefore, the process of being humbled or humiliated involves the removal of pride and God often uses our shame as a part of the process.

Asking for help may not seem like a humbling experience, but if you are or know of someone that is filled with pride you understand why it is so difficult. At the core of pride is a sense of independence. Being able to take care of myself made me feel secure. In some ways, taking care of myself was a coping mechanism that enable me to survive in what I perceived to be a very dangerous environment, but more than anything else, it kept me isolated and prevented me from being hurt or disappointed by people around me.

Forgiveness

A significant flaw in my development as a Christian was a lack of forgiveness. Not only did I have a difficult time letting go of the past, but my physical and emotional wounds as a child and young teenager made me want to isolate myself rather than engage in healthy relationships. My marriage was a constant struggle because I had a tendency to keep track of my husband’s mistakes and would not give up trying to get my own way when we got into a conflict. Many times my husband got the cold shoulder when we went to bed because I was still angry from a fight we had.

Proverbs 10:12 contrasts two ways of dealing with conflict. It says, “hatred stirs up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” This verse refers particularly to the love between man and wife. Solomon indicates the choice to stir up strife or cover one’s sin is based on your feeling toward that person. The word translated hatred, sânê’ (saw – nay´) means to be unloved. “The word covers emotion ranging from bitter disdain to outright hatred (8130). Whereas love causes us to cover up or overlook an offence, hatred rouses us to action, it makes us want to fight.

If someone would have asked me, do you love your husband? I’m sure I would have said yes, but my behavior was consistent with hatred more than it was love. The problem with emotions is that they can be suppressed and hidden within the unconscious mind for many years. I didn’t actually feel a lot of what was going on inside of me while I was married. It wasn’t until I exploded that I realized I was angry and even then I sometimes blamed my anger on things that had nothing to do with the real issue.

Folly

The first compromise I made after becoming a Christian was a very small one. I decided to get a part-time job to supplement my husband’s income. We had survived for seven years living paycheck to paycheck and I thought it was time for me to do my part to help with our financial situation. My first job was only temporary, but it opened the door for me to be away from home in the evening after my husband got home from work. After my youngest son started school, I got a permanent position working part-time at a high school near our home.

It says in Proverbs 9:13-17, “A foolish woman is clamorous, she is simple, and knoweth nothing. For she sitteth at the door of her house, on a seat in the high places of the city, to call passengers who go straight on their way: whoso is simple, let him turn in hither: and as for him that wanteth understanding, she saith to him, stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” In using the term foolish woman, Soloman “is describing an enemy of God who knew God and his word but, seeing the wicked flourishing, reasoned that they have the right lifestyle…They have knowledge of God but do not properly evaluate or understand what they know” (3684).

Initially, there was no negative impact to my family from me working outside our home, but over time, our lifestyle changed dramatically. I became less and less aware of what was going on in my children’s lives and my husband and I rarely had any time to ourselves. I never thought about the damage that was being done to my family’s relationships and we continued to live paycheck to paycheck in spite of the additional income my job provided.

Mommy

The best seven years of my life were the ones when I was a stay-at-home mom. On the day my daughter was born I knew I had found my calling. When I saw her for the first time, I immediately fell in love and after 33 years, I love her just as much now as I ever have. I didn’t know until it actually happened to me that being a mom would be the best thing for me. When I was growing up, I never thought about being a mom, but I’m sure it is what God created me to be.

When God creates things or people, he does it with wisdom. It says about wisdom in Proverbs 8:22-23, “The LORD possessed me in the beginning of his way, before his works of old. I was set up from everlasting, from the beginning, or ever the earth was.” The word translated wisdom, chokmah “can refer to technical skills or special abilities in fashioning something. Chokmah is the knowledge and the ability to make the right choices at the opportune time. The consistency of making right choices is an indicator of maturity and development” (2451).

At the time God created me, he had a purpose in mind for every characteristic and trait he gave me. In his design, God established certain abilities in me that would enable me to live my life according to his plan. Before I became a Christian, I was not concerned with God’s plan, nor did I care if what I was doing was pleasing to God. When I got pregnant with my daughter, even though I was not married, I didn’t think it was a mistake. I believed that God wanted me to be a mom, so I chose to continue with the pregnancy rather than have an abortion.

Adultery

As a Christian, I thought I would be exempt from certain problems. One of my biggest fears about getting married was that I would end up like my parents, so I made sure that I married a Christian man thinking that would guarantee success. Little did I know that Christians are just like everyone else. They make mistakes and do stupid things, including committing adultery. When my brother asked me if I thought my husband would ever cheat on me, I said absolutely not! There is no way he could do something like that.

The Bible makes it clear that adultery is not so much about pleasure as it is about power and persuasion. Referring to an adulterous woman, it says in Proverbs 7:21, “with her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him.” The reference to force suggests an intentional effort to overcome resistance. In Proverbs 7:26 the use of force is more evident. It says, “for she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her.” The word translated wounded, chalal “is often used to describe the defilement which results from illicit sexual acts” (2490).

Even though rape and adultery are very different in the way they take place, the effect is the same. When my husband told me he had sex with another woman, it felt like I had been violated. If I had known he was cheating on me, I would not have continued to have sex with him. So in a sense, because my husband kept his affair a secret so that I would continue to have sex with him, I felt he had tricked me. My participation in our sexual activity had taken place under false pretenses and therefore, was against my will.