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Twisted Religion

There was a time in my life when I thought going to church every week was all that mattered. If I read my Bible everyday and listened to a Christian radio station, I was good with God. I had no idea my life was totally messed up and I was headed for a disaster.

I had good intentions and wasn’t completely aware that I was just going through the motions. In some ways, my worship was genuine, but my heart had grown cold and I was disappointed about how my life had turned out. I guess you could say I was backslidden. I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to, but I still expected God to bless me.

There is one thing I can say for sure about twisted religion, it feels like you are still in fellowship with God, you don’t know until it is too late that your effort is wasted and God is going to let you reap what you have sown.

In those days there was no king in Israel, but every man did that which was right in his own eyes. (Judges 17:6)

God is my refuge

Not every mistake I make has the same effect on my life, therefore, I regret some mistakes I have made more than others. The good thing about mistakes is that you can correct them. The bad thing about mistakes is that sometimes the effect is so severe or the damage so unrepairable that you can’t just erase them and start over.

When I was in elementary school, my teachers would correct my papers for me. As I got older, my teachers expected me to correct my own mistakes. Eventually, I was not given an opportunity to correct my mistakes, I was just give a score and however well I did determined my grade for the class.

One of the things I made a lot of mistakes on when I was a teenager was driving. I got a lot of tickets and one day two police officers showed up at my home and told my parents they had a warrant for my arrest. I was taken to jail and had to appear before a judge to determine what my punishment would be.

I think the worst mistake I have ever made in my life happened when I was 14. It really wasn’t that bad as far as what I did wrong, but the effect changed my life and there was no way to correct it or repair the damage after it happened. It was one of those wrong place, wrong time scenarios that resulted in me being raped and losing my virginity to a man that would best be described as despicable. This year marks 40 years since that fateful day and I still have not completely recovered.

God knows we are not perfect and doesn’t take pleasure in seeing us suffer for our mistakes. In fact, the reason he sent Jesus to save us is so we wouldn’t have to be punished for our mistakes. In the Promised Land, there were designated cities where a person could take refuge. It says in Joshua 20:3 that if someone killed another person as a result of a mistake, the killer could flee to one of the cities of refuge and be safe until his case had been judged.

Not every church is a safe place for people that have made mistakes, but I believe the reason God established the church in a physical form was so that people would know where to find him if they got into trouble. Ultimately, God is our refuge because it is his protection we need when we have done something wrong. After I was raped, it took me six years to make my way into a church. It wasn’t until I was desperate and in a way, running for my life, that I was willing to seek refuge in the arms of God. Perhaps the real mistake was that I waited so long.

My Inheritance

An inheritance in something you get whether you want it or not, deserve it or not, and in one sense, you could say that it is an entitlement, something you have coming to you. An inheritance is a possession, property that is owned by one person and transferred to another. When my dad died four years ago, he had several properties in Oklahoma that my brothers and sister and I inherited. All of us lived in Southern California at the time, so it was very difficult for us to take possession of the properties. My dad died suddenly and did not have time to put his affairs in order and there was no will to state how the land was to be distributed. As a result, the properties are still tied up and none of us has received any money from our inheritance.

In Joshua 16:4 it says, “so the children of Joseph, Manasseh and Ephraim, took their inheritance.” This means that they actually went in and took possession of it, they began to occupy the land that belonged to them.

One of the cities the children of Joseph inherited was Beth-el, formerly known as the city of Luz. When Jacob was sick and close to death, he told Joseph about his encounter with God at Luz. “And Jacob said unto Joseph, God Almighty appeared to unto me at Luz in the land of Canaan and blessed me” (Gen 48:3).

Jacob’s encounter with God takes place in a dream while he is traveling from Beer-sheba to Haran to escape his brother Esau after he has tricked him out of his inheritance, the blessing that was first given to Abraham, passed on to his father Jacob, and then belonged to him. It was the blessing of Abraham that entitled the children of Jacob to inherit the land of Israel. In his dream, God says to Jacob, “And behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all the places wither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land: for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of” (Gen 28:15).

My dad lived in Oklahoma when he was a child. His family moved to California when he was around eight years old as a result of the loss of their farm due to a family crisis. My grandparents became sharecroppers, which meant they no longer owned the land, but were able to continue farming.

The situation of the Israelites in Egypt was similar to my dad’s family in that their basic needs were always met, but they could never seem to get far enough ahead to return to their homeland and start over. It wasn’t until my dad was nearly 70 that he decided to sell everything and return to the place that his ancestors had called home.

Something that we inherit that we may not realize is our family culture. Now you may be thinking that a culture cannot be inherited because it is not something you possess, but in a way culture is more tangible than you think. Culture can exist in a building, in clothes, and in the haircut a person chooses. Elvis Presley, a famous singer in the 50’s and 60’s had a hairstyle that was copied by thousands of young men that wanted to present a particular image of themselves. The Beatles wore a type of clothing that when copied by their followers, ushered in a whole new way of life for young people in the United States. It was known as the hippie age.

Gilead, the descendant of Manasseh, Joseph’s first born son, was known as a man of war, therefore, he inherited a portion of land that was suitable for a warrior. It was kind of like giving a set of tools to a carpenter. Gilead’s inheritance matched his identity, his way of life, and his destiny.

One of the reasons I believe my dad returned to Oklahoma and purchased land before he died was so that he could relink his children to their ancestry, the heritage that he tried to pass along to us. My dad was a Native American. His father came from the Chickasaw tribe. The Chickasaw fought against the U.S. government and refused to be registered when a law was passed that required all Indians to be registered so that they could be treated as U.S. citizens. My dad refused to pay taxes and went to great lengths to remain anonymous in  eyes of the U.S. government. The interesting thing about it was that my dad was a veteran and was very proud that he served in the military. It didn’t always make sense, but my dad used to say to us, you’re a Hough, and a Hough…whatever lesson he was trying to teach us was always put in the context of our family name, as if our whole identity was wrapped up in the family we came from.

Not every child wants to follow in his parent’s footsteps. The desire for independence and the ability to make choices for oneself is a natural human tendency. Even though the Promised Land had been conquered, it was not all being occupied by the Israelites. “And Joshua said unto the children of Israel, How long are you slack to go to possess the land, which the LORD God of your fathers hath given you?” (Joshua 18:3).

In my case, the reason why I haven’t moved to Oklahoma and began to occupy any of the properties that belong to me and my siblings is because I don’t want to be an Oklahoman. I have lived in Southern California almost all my life. I feel I belong here and my current lifestyle, which includes spending a lot of time at the beach, will not be able to be maintained if I move to Oklahoma. I definitely think it matters where you live and I like where I am living right now.

One of the problems we had shortly after my dad died was people occupying his properties that didn’t belong there. As soon as word got out that he had died, most of his tenants stopped paying rent. Some of his properties got trashed and abandoned  leaving them open to vandalism. Because none of us kids were willing to occupy my dad’s land, it was determined that it would have to be sold.

I feel so stupid

It’s hard to admit it when you’ve been tricked because you feel like a fool. My immediate reaction is to think, how could I have been so stupid? The problem with being tricked is you usually don’t realize it until it is too late or after experiencing the pain of having been taken advantage of.

Trickery is an intentional effort to deceive someone or to keep something hidden (6195). The Gibeonites tricked the Israelites into believing they were from a distant land so that a political agreement could be made that would prevent the Israelites from exterminating them along with the other inhabitants of the Promised Land. The word Joshua used to describe the Gibeonites action is râmâh (raw – maw´) which figuratively means to delude or betray (7411).

When I was 19, I worked in an office building in downtown San Diego. One day, when I arrived at work, there was a man standing next to the curb outside my building. As I entered, he followed me into the elevator and quickly pushed the button for a floor beneath the level we were on. When we started going up to the floor I worked on, the man became upset and told me he needed to get to the bottom floor quickly because there was a man injured in the stairwell. He pleaded with me to come and help and eventually convinced me that helping the injured man was much more important than me getting to work on time.

When we entered the bottom of the stairwell, the man pulled out a knife and forced me into a small closet beneath the stairs where he raped me while holding the knife to my throat. Afterwards, he told me there was a man waiting outside to kill me if I told anyone about what he had done. I was to wait five minutes to give him enough time to get away without being seen and then go to my office and act as if nothing had happened.

It’s hard to say which makes me more angry about what the man did to me that day, tricking me into going into the stairwell with him or raping me after I agreed to help him take care of the injured man.

The wall fell down flat

I am not a super big fan of the show Seinfeld, but there is one episode that stands out as a brilliant idea someone must have had or maybe even a real life experience that was incorporated into the show. The character George Costanza, a notorious loser that is typically unemployed and unable to get a date, decides to do the opposite of what he usually does in order to turn his life around.

Doing the opposite of what we are used to may not sound that difficult, but anyone that has actually tried to understands that going against our nature, fighting against the impulses that usually govern our behavior is probably the most challenging thing a person can attempt to do. It’s not that the thing itself is hard to do, it’s that doing what comes naturally is so easy, because after all, I am who I am, right?

Well, if you want to be like George Costanza, a goofball that is constantly getting into trouble, that’s fine, but what if you don’t really like getting into trouble?

I would say my least favorite characteristic is I fall in love with every man that gazes into my eyes. You might be thinking, what’s wrong with that? You are a romantic, so what? I don’t mind being a romantic and actually enjoy being in love, but romantic love doesn’t last very long. I could fall in and out of love every week if I didn’t fight against the urge to be swept off my feet by Prince Charming.

To me, falling in love with every man I meet is like the wall surrounding Jericho, it’s keeping me from enjoying the milk and honey of the Promised Land. The wall must come down for me to truly experience the victory and perpetual rest that God has planned for me.

God’s instructions to Joshua made no sense at all from a military standpoint. There was no element of surprise, no show of strength, in fact the only thing they did that resembled a strategy was “the armed men went before the priests that blew with the trumpets” (Joshua 6:9).

I can only imagine how Joshua must have felt when the LORD told him the details of his plan:

And it shall come to pass, that when they make a long blast with the ram’s horn, and when ye hear the sound of the trumpet, all the people shall shout with a great shout and the wall of the city shall fall down flat. (Joshua 6:5)

Probably about the same as I felt when the LORD told me I needed to break up with my 6’4″, gorgeous, quarterback boyfriend. My heart sank. You want me to tell him what? That I’m a Christian and God is the most important person in my life right now…he’s going to think I’ve lost my mind! When he called a few weeks later and told me he wanted me to meet his mother, that he wanted our relationship to be more serious, I was shocked. I didn’t think he would want to marry me because I was a Christian.

Roll away the stone

An experience of powerlessness can have a lasting effect. The years the Israelites spent as slaves in Egypt left them with a sense of reproach or disgrace. The Hebrew word translated reproach in Joshua 5:9, cherpâh (kher – paw′) is derived from the word châraph (khaw – raf′) which means “to pull off, to expose (as by stripping)” (2778).

There are several aspects of being raped that can leave the victim with a sense of shame or disgrace, but the one thing that makes the victim feel powerless more than anything else is being forced to take her clothes off. A sense of reproach or shame is being forced upon her so that the perpetrator can feel in control and dominant in the situation.

I think it’s interesting that when God addresses the Israelites’ reproach, he says, “This day have I rolled away the reproach of Egypt from off you” (Joshua 5:9). It almost sounds like the reproach is a large stone that has been attached to the Israelites’ backs. The mental image of rolling something off of them definitely gives the impression of a weight or burden being removed and freedom of movement being restored.

One of Jesus’ well know miracles is raising Lazarus from the dead. In the account recorded in John chapter 11, Jesus says to Martha, Lazarus’ sister, ” I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live” (John 11:25). Before he restores Lazarus’ life, Jesus commands that the stone covering the tomb be moved out of the way. Since Jesus was able to raise Lazarus from the dead, he could have brought his body out of the grave without the stone being moved, but the point I think Jesus was trying to make was that the grave would have to be spoiled for Lazarus to be truly free from the power the grave had over his body.

The desire I had that caused me to attempt suicide did not go away because I survived. A few weeks later when I was examined by a psychologist, I was asked if I thought I would try again. I answered yes. Many years later I was put on suicide watch by my doctor after finding out that my husband was having an affair. It wasn’t until I made a conscious decision a few years ago to abstain from all sexual activity that I was finally set free from the reproach that I had been carrying with me since I was raped at the age of 14.