rape

Jesus Understands

King David’s relationship with the LORD and position in God’s kingdom entitled him to constant protection from his enemies. David prayed, “Let them be ashamed and confounded that seek after my soul: Let them be turned backward, and put to confusion, that desire my hurt” (Psalm 70:2). Although  David had many enemies on earth, he also had spiritual enemies because of the work he was doing to establish God’s eternal kingdom and the birth of his Messiah.

The word translated hurt, ra‘ (rah) which means bad or evil (7451) is derived from the word ra‘a‘ (raw – ah´) which also means evil, but is properly translated as to spoil, literally by breaking into pieces and figuratively to make or be good for nothing (7489). Satan did not want David to establish and unify God’s kingdom on earth because it was his territory so to speak. After he enticed Eve to sin in the Garden of Eden, Satan was given temporary reign over the earth until the Messiah came and overpowered him.

The word ra‘ combines together in one the wicked deed and its consequences. It generally indicates the rough exterior of wrongdoing as a breach of harmony, and as breaking up what is good and desirable in man and in society. While the prominent characteristic of the godly is lovingkindness (2617), one of the most marked features of the ungodly man is that his course is an injury to both himself and to everyone around him (7451).

Part of life on earth is the inevitability of being hurt. Because Satan is alive and well on planet earth, there is no way to escape evil. Peter said, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8).

David said in Psalm 69, “Because for thy sake I have borne reproach; shame hath covered my face” (Psalm 69:7). David may have felt like he had a target on his back because of the frequency of his troubling situations. No doubt he was a marked man and Satan was behind most of David’s trials and tribulations. In spite of the difficulty David experienced, David knew that God loved him and was aware of everything that happened to him.

David said, “Thou hast known my reproach, and my shame, and my dishonor: Mine adversaries are all before thee. Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: And I looked for some to take pity, but there was none” (Psalm 69:19-20). The word translated reproach, cherpâh (kher – paw´) means disgrace (2761) and is derived from the word châraph (khaw – raf´) which means to pull off and by implication “to expose (as by stripping)” (2778).

I think one of the most disgraceful things that can happen to a person is to be raped. There is something about being stripped of your clothes that makes you feel vulnerable and at the mercy of your attacker. In the gospel of John, it says that “the soldiers, when they had crucified Jesus, took his garments” (John 19:23). The Greek word translated took, lambano is sometimes used to denote the violent act of seizing or removing something. In essence, what this verse is stating is that Jesus was stripped of his clothing after he was nailed to the cross. He experienced the humiliation of being exposed publicly. He was taunted and insulted and made to feel worthless in the eyes of his followers.

When David said, “Thou hast known my reproach, and my shame, and my dishonor” (Psalm 69:19), he was probably talking about the LORD seeing what was going on in his life. Today we know that Jesus had a similar experience and could relate to David based on his own reproach, shame, and dishonor. It is possible that David was writing prophetically when he said, “Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness” (Psalm 69:20) because in Psalm 69:21 it says, “They gave me gall for my meat; and in my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink,” something that Jesus experienced when he was on the cross.

People that have not been raped or experienced any other kind of reproach or type of dishonor may wonder why Jesus died on a cross. For those of us that have experienced rape, we know that he died such a death so that he could understand our pain and suffering in a more intimate and personal way. Because I know that Jesus understands what I went through, being raped doesn’t hurt quite so much.

Thanksgiving

“Offer unto God thanksgiving…whoso offereth praise glorifieth me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright, will I shew the salvation of God” (Psalm 50:14,23). In these verses, the same word is translated as thanksgiving and praise. The Hebrew word tôwdâh (to – daw´) is properly translated as “an extension of the hand” and is usually associated with adoration (8462). When a person is offering praise to God, he is lifting his hands toward heaven in an expression of adoration.

The Israelite thanksgiving offering was a type of peace offering that was made when a person was delivered from trouble or distress. A situation that causes us distress is one that involves psychological or spiritual pain. In a sense, it can be like torture because it is outside our control and affects us deeply within our soul.

The nightmares I experienced after I was raped are an example of distress that God has delivered me from. Sometimes I didn’t want to fall asleep because of the terror I experienced in my dreams. I would wake up afterwards in a state of panic and sometimes feel the presence of demonic beings.

I think the reason the thanksgiving offering was linked with peace was because being delivered from distress results in peace and it produces a great deal of appreciation, and likewise adoration of God. I believe the key to understanding thanksgiving is first hand experience with the feelings associated with distress and knowing what trouble is really about.

The word translated trouble, tsârâh (tsar – raw´) means tight (6869) and is derived from the word tsar (tsawr) which means a tight place (6862). The idea behind both of these words is that of being stuck or unable to escape. “Tsar is a general designation for ‘enemy'” (6862), so the word implies being trapped by an enemy and unable to escape. Although there is clearly an enemy involved in the act of rape, the feeling of being trapped usually occurs afterward when the memory of what happened gets stuck in your brain and causes you psychological pain many years later.

Deliverance is typically something that only God can do. In essence, an act of deliverance is a miracle because it is an impossible situation that is turned around or made right. In order to truly deliver someone from distress, you have to eliminate the psychological and spiritual pain she is experiencing, which usually involves the elimination of memory.

There are many ways that God’s salvation can be manifested. In the same way that he is able to remove our sin and make it as if it never happened, God can remove memories and make it as if certain events or experiences have never happened. If you have received his salvation, then thank God, and praise him with your hands lifted high this Thanksgiving.

Good as new

To be healed means that you are restored to normal. The normal body temperature is 98.6 degrees and normally a hand has five fingers, but for some things, normal is not so obvious. For instance, what does it mean to be restored to normal if you have been raped?

David said, “O LORD, heal me; for my bones are vexed” (Psalm 6:2). The word translated vexed, bâhal (baw – hal´) means “to tremble inwardly (or palpitate)” or figuratively to become suddenly alarmed or frightened (926). To be healed of such a condition could mean that confidence is restored or that David would become calm and peaceful within himself.

After God established his covenant with Abraham, normal for the Israelites was living in the Promised Land in peace and prosperity. Throughout Israel’s history, there were occasions when God remembered his people and would take action to fulfill his covenant with Abraham. David said, “When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained; What is man, that thou art mindful of him?” (Psalm 8:3-4).

The word translated mindful, yâkar (yaw – kar´) means to remember (2142). David was pondering God’s covenant with Abraham compared with the vast expanse of the universe. God created millions of stars and planets and yet he focuses his attention on one of them and can focus his attention on one man, one promise, and even one act, to restore David to normal when his bones were vexed and about to become king of Israel.

One of the reasons and maybe the primary reason that God heals people is so that they will praise him. David said, “I will praise thee, O LORD, with my whole heart: I will shew forth all thy marvelous works” (Psalm 9:1). Marvelous works can only be done by God. Pâlâ’ (paw – law´) means to be beyond one’s power to do (6381). When I am extremely sad, I cannot make myself stop crying or if I am terrified, I cannot make myself stop trembling, but God can. It says of the word pala’, “God does not require anything of his people that is too hard for them (Deut 30:11). Although something may appear impossible to man, it still is within God’s power” (6381).

God’s goal for his people is to deliver them from oppression. David said, “LORD, thou hast heard the desire of the humble: Thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear: To judge the fatherless and the oppressed, that the man of the earth may no more oppress” (Psalm 10:18). The word translated oppress, ‘ârats (aw – rats´) means to dread. When I was married, I used to dread having sex because of the fear and anxiety associated with being raped. In one sense, God healed me when I was divorced from my husband because I was no longer sexually active and did not have to dread having sex anymore; but, I believe God wants to do a marvelous work in my life. I believe someday I will have normal sex, when I am married to a man that loves me.

Giving credit where credit is due

When God redeems a man, he is exercising his complete, sovereign freedom to liberate a human being. Redemption involves some intervening or substitutionary action which effects a release from an undesirable condition (6299). Jesus’ death on the cross effected the release of every person from the bondage of sin and death. No other person ever has or ever will die for the sins of another. God chose to liberate man from his sin nature and offers redemption from sin to anyone who desires it.

Rechab and Baanah thought they were doing David a favor when they killed Saul’s son Ish-bosheth and brought his head to David as evidence (2 Samuel 4:8). What they didn’t understand was that Ish-bosheth was not a threat to David. David was not distressed about Ish-bosheth’s appointment as king of Israel. David declared to Rechab and Baanah that the LORD had redeemed his soul from all adversity. What David meant was that Ish-bosheth’s sin  no longer had any effect on David’s life because David had been redeemed from all sin, not just his own.

The sins that usually hurts us the most are sins that are committed against us. When God redeems a man from sin, he does not just release him from the effect of his sins, but the sins of everyone else also. When I was 14, I was raped and it had an extremely negative effect on my life. I suffered a great deal of adversity as a result of someone else’s sin. It wasn’t until I realized that Jesus died for that person’s sin against me that I was freed from the effect of that sin on my life.

David described Ish-bosheth as a righteous man (2 Samuel 4:11). The word David used for righteous, tsaddîyq (tsad – deek´) means just. It is said that a Christian is justified by the death of Jesus on the cross; it is just as if the person had never committed a sin. If a sin has never been committed, then there can be no effect from it. What David was doing was crediting Ish-bosheth’s sin to Jesus and claiming redemption from that sin. It was not going to have any effect on him and therefore, Ish-bosheth’s murder was unnecessary.

Every sin can be credited to Jesus’ account. Jesus died for every sin that had been or ever will be committed when he shed his blood on the cross. The only thing we have to do is give him the credit.

What did I do to deserve this?

A woman that is truly a victim knows she has not done anything to deserve the mistreatment she gets from an offender. Many times a guilty conscience can cause doubt as to whether something was deserved or not. The second time I was raped, I did not feel I was a victim, but was getting the punishment I deserved for a previous wrong action. It almost felt good to be punished because it took away the guilt, but it made it difficult for me to feel anger toward the man that raped me and at that time, I was not sure if I wanted or should escape from what was happening to me.

Somewhere in between I know I don’t deserve this and this is all my fault is the question that never seems to get answered, what did I do to deserve this? David had a fail proof system for clarifying whether or not he deserved the treatment he was getting from king Saul and his army. David said in Psalm 7:8-9, “The LORD shall judge the people: Judge me, O LORD, according to my righteousness, and according to mine integrity that is in me. O let the wickedness of the wicked come to an end; but establish the just: for the righteous God trieth the hearts and reins.”

Basically, what David was saying was LORD, you be the judge. David knew it was pointless to judge himself, so he would turn every situation over to the LORD to work out according to his knowledge of David’s character and motives. The advantage to letting the LORD be the judge is that David did not ever live with guilt. He trusted that God was fair and just in dealing with his children and would not allow the wicked to triumph over the righteous. With regard to the wicked, David believed “His mischief shall return upon his own head, and his violent dealing shall come down on his own pate” (Psalm 7:16).

Take my life

Family conflict may be the hardest to deal with because it can be very personal. Some family conflicts go on for years, even decades or entire lifetimes. In some instances, conflicts are generational and resolution seems impossible. The Israelites’ family conflict centered around the fact that Jacob had two wives, one that he loved and one that he didn’t. The wife that Jacob loved, Rachel had two sons, Joseph and Benjamin.

When Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, Jacob became so attached to Benjamin that he wouldn’t let him out of his sight. Rachel died giving birth to Benjamin, so his father became his primary parent and no doubt had a strong influence on his personality and character.

The tribe of Benjamin grew very strong in the Promised Land. His favored status in the family may have caused Benjamin’s descendants to become prideful and what my grandma used to call, a little too big for his britches. The men who raped the Levite’s concubine were from the tribe of Benjamin and so there was a confrontation to have the men handed over so they could be punished, but the Benjamites wouldn’t do it and decided to go to war instead.

The children of Benjamin had 26,000 men in their army and “among all this people there were seven hundred chosen men lefthanded: every one could sling stones at a hair breadth, and not miss” (Judges 20:16). The men of the tribe of Benjamin’s army are described as men of valour, which means they were very powerful. They were probably not only physically strong, but smart and able to conduct themselves well in battle. They must have been very confident because “the men of Israel, beside Benjamin, were numbered four hundred thousand men that drew the sword: all these were men of war” (Judges 20:17).

The battle between Benjamin and the rest of the children of Israel lasted three days. The first two days, the Benjamites had the upper hand and killed 40,000 of their brethren. On the third day, God delivered the children of Benjamin into the hands of their brothers, 25,000 men were killed and their cities were set on fire.

The result was the purging of sin from among God’s people. The cost of the battle, 65,000 lives for the rape of one woman, seems rather high, but it demonstrates the importance of holiness to God. It is not surprising then that he gave his only begotten son to cleanse the entire world of all sin. Thank you Jesus!

How low can you go?

It’s not surprising that the low point in Israel’s history, when every man was doing what is right in his own eyes, is marked by the brutal rape of a woman described only as a Levite’s concubine. The event is similar to one that took place in Sodom just before God destroyed the city. It shows that the children of Benjamin, Jacob’s youngest son, had become just like the Canaanites that were still living among them.

The account of what happens sounds like something you would see on a crime show today where the victim is raped and then chopped up into pieces to dispose of the body, except in this instance, the body pieces were distributed throughout the tribes of Israel, one piece for each family member (Judges 19:29).

And it was so, that all that saw it said, There was no such deed done nor seen from the day the children of Israel came up out of the land of Egypt unto this day: consider of it, take advice, and speak your minds.

Doing the right thing for the wrong reason

I think the worst thing a Christian can do is do the right thing for the wrong reason. It seems like if you do the right thing, you should always get a good result, but that is not the case. What is more important than what you do is why you do it. God does not tally up all the good things we do and reward us for our effort; he looks at our heart. God judges the motive behind every action we take and makes sure that bad motives do not produce good results.

I married my ex-husband for two reasons: 1) I was pregnant, and 2) I had no means of supporting myself. I had only been a Christian for a few months. I was still recovering from being abducted and raped by a serial rapist the year before and had overdosed on sleeping pills, so my emotional state was unstable.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had completely cut God out of the picture. There was no repentance or asking for forgiveness, just a desperate attempt to fix things and conceal my wrong doing. I thought I was doing the right thing and would be rewarded for my effort, but I had no interest in being married to the father of my child; I just wanted him to take care of us.

It says in Judges 18:30 that the children of Dan worshipped a graven image or false god until the day of their captivity. The word translated captivity, gâlûwth (gaw – looth´) is derived from the Hebrew word gâlâh (gaw – law’) which means “to leave, depart, uncover, reveal” (1540).

The day of my captivity was the day my ex-husband left me for another woman. At that point, I had no one else to rely on but God. I wish I had turned to God sooner, but unfortunately, like the Israelites, I was a stiff-necked, stubborn woman and thought I could take care of my own problems.

“And they set up Micah’s graven image, which he made, all the time that the house of God was in Shiloh” (Judges 18:31). My guess is that Laish, where Micah’s idol was kept, and the house of God in Shiloh were not that far apart in distance. It was probably not for convenience that the Danites wanted to worship at home rather than going to the Tabernacle. The Tabernacle was where you went to acknowledge your sin, and like me, the children of Dan wanted to keep that a secret.

A matter of the heart

The expression, he has a good heart is usually used to describe someone that is kind, thoughtful, and loving toward others. The heart is said to be the seat of emotions and it can be the source of motives, feelings, affections, and desires (3820). It is the heart that enables us to love, and hate, and develop a relationship with God When our heart is wounded, it affects our ability to connect with people and may cause us to turn away from God because we cannot related to him.

A characteristic that is connected to the heart is courage. In one sense, to be courageous means to be strong, whether in physical strength or something called fortitude which is the will to press forward or through with something. There are many accounts of people that have acted courageously and performed supernatural feats to rescue or protect someone that did not have the physical strength to do so.

I think most people assume Samson was a big, burly man that looked like a sumo wrestler or a professional weight lifter. The only thing recorded about Samson’s appearance is that he was a Nazarite from birth and therefore, he never cut his hair. The source of Samson’s strength was unknown to everyone except Samson and perhaps his parents. It is possible that Samson assumed his strength came from being a Nazarite, when in actuality, it was his relationship with God that enabled him to overpower the Philistines and perform mighty acts to defeat them.

To be a Nazarite means to be separated or consecrated to God. It is similar to the virginity of a woman in that virginity is a sign of purity and is intended to keep a woman separated or consecrated to her husband until they are married. In a way, you could say that a Nazarite’s heart belongs to God and he is not free to love anyone else but God during his time of consecration which in Samson’s case was his entire lifetime.

It says in Judges 16:4 that Samson “loved a woman, in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah.” Delilah was a Philistine and she agreed to find out the source of Samson’s strength so that the Philistines could bind him and afflict him. “And Delilah said unto Samson, Tell me, I pray thee, wherein thy great strength lieth, and wherewith thou mightest be bound to afflict thee” (Judges 16:6).

The word translated afflict, ‘ânâh (aw – naw´) means to be bowed down, be humbled. ‘Anah often expresses harsh and painful treatment” (6031). One of the ways the word ‘anah is used is to express the act of rape. “To take a woman sexually by force may be ‘to humble’ her” (6031) as was the case with Jacob’s daughter Dinah. It is believed that the Philistines sought revenge against Samson and intended to kill him after a prolonged period of torture. Delilah’s request to know the source of Samson’s strength so that he could be afflicted was a straight forward attempt to take advantage of his love for her and to determine if he was even willing to die for her.

Isaiah 53:3-4 says of the Messiah “He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief…Yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.” Jesus also told his followers that they would be delivered up “to be afflicted” and would be hated by everyone in the world because they identified themselves with his name.

Not many people would agree that if you are a Christian, you should expect to be afflicted, to receive harsh and painful treatment for no reason other than you are a follower of Jesus Christ. Perhaps you have taken a vow of chastity and are being tormented by your friends because you won’t do what everyone else is, having sex outside of marriage. The most common group of women to be targeted by sexual predators is young virgins who will experience rape as their first sexual encounter with a man.

When Samson’s soul was vexed unto death by Delilah’s daily pleading and nagging, he finally “told her all his heart” (Judges 16:17). Immediately, Delilah called the Philistine leaders and told them Samson’s weakness had been revealed.

After Samson is imprisoned by the Philistines, he seeks one last opportunity to gain strength so that he can be avenged. He prays that God will remember him and strengthen him. Samson’s two-fold request indicates that he is no longer relying on his Nazarite vow for power. The interesting thing about Samson’s prayer is that the LORD didn’t answer it. It is believed that Samson was able to topple the house where three thousand Philistines were gathered because his hair had begun to grow back while he was in prison. But, I think it is more likely that Samson’s courage returned because he sought to restore his relationship with the LORD.

The word used for strength in Samson’s prayer, châzaq (khaw – zak´) is the same word that was used when the LORD said he would harden Pharaoh’s heart so that he would not let his people go. Samson knew that he sinned by telling Delilah all that was in his heart. It says in Judges 16:20 that Samson thought he would be able to escape like he had at previous times, but “he wist not that the LORD was departed from him.” Samson was on his own when he suffered torture at the hands of the Philistines and his desire to be avenged had nothing to do with God’s plan to deliver the Israelites from Philistine rule. His heart was hardened after being afflicted and he thought the LORD had left him for good. He wanted to die because the sorrow and pain in his heart were too much for him to bare.

In the last moments of his life, Samson reached out to God and God was there, just not in the way Samson expected him to be. God didn’t harden Samson’s heart, he gave him courage. I think Samson believed he was forgiven and would be able to bring down the house with his bare hands. “And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein” (Judges 16:30).

You can go your own way

Being strong can be a Catch 22 of sorts because it’s both a help and a hindrance when it comes to walking with the Lord. To be effective as Christians, we must learn to depend on the Lord, but we must also be able to stand on our own two feet and not cower when we are attacked by our enemy the devil.

The Lord knows our weaknesses and does not expect us to do everything right. In fact, he plans for us to make mistakes and will always be able to account for the choices we make when it comes to accomplishing his will in our lives.

So then, does it really matter if we choose to go to the left instead of the right when we come to a crossroad in our life? Yes, if you would like to avoid some of the pain and suffering you experience in your life. Some people like to travel the hard road and enjoy having challenges on a regular basis. Other people like to take things easy and become discouraged when things get too difficult. Although I hate to admit it, I seem to be one of those people that can’t stand the easy life. If I’m not facing a challenge, I think there is something wrong with me. Getting into trouble is not second nature to me, it’s the only way I know how to handle things. I guess you could say I’m just naturally rebellious and believe me, I know a lot about pain and suffering.

“And it came to pass, when Israel was strong that they put the Canaanites to tribute, and did not utterly drive them out” (Judges 1:28). The word strong here is probably referring to moral strength or courage, but because the Israelites were disobeying God by not driving out their enemies, you could say they were a little to strong, maybe even cocky or as my grandmother used to say, getting a little too big for their own britches. They thought they could handle being the task masters for a change and wanted to make slaves of the Canaanites the way they had been in Egypt. It was a bad decision, one they would regret eventually, but I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time and can relate to their desire to turn the tables and try to even the score.

The most prominent role God has in the universe is creator. It is of course a critical role because if he hadn’t been able to create things, then our world wouldn’t exist and there would be no life as we know it today. I think the role of creator overshadows most of God’s other roles, but by far the role that does not get the attention it deserves is fixer or re-creator. I believe God loves to fix things and that may be why he designed man with a sin nature.

In Joshua 5:9 there is recorded a significant milestone in the development of the nation of Israel that may not seem important unless you look at it from the perspective of fixing a problem. The problem was that after spending hundreds of years in Egypt and becoming slaves to Pharaoh, the Israelites had developed an attitude of reproach toward themselves, they knew that things weren’t right, but they felt helpless and unable to change because they has spent so much time living in a dysfunctional state.

It is natural to feel reproach when things are not right in our lives and because we are created in God’s image, we have a tendency to try and fix things when we feel reproach, but we do not have the same ability God does to make things right. It is like a five year old child that wants to make his own breakfast. When the toast gets burned, he tries to scrape the black stuff off, but it just doesn’t taste right after being burned. In Joshua 5:9 it says, “And the LORD said unto Joshua, This day have I rolled the reproach of Egypt from off you.” The use of the words rolled away indicate there is some kind of process involved in removing their reproach, but it doesn’t make sense that God would literally roll away their reproach, so he must be speaking figuratively and is using terminology that will trigger their understanding of what has happened to them. What I believe the LORD was alluding to here was the Israelites reproach being like a large stone that needs to be rolled off the opening of a cistern so that fresh water can be accessed.

Cisterns were very common during the time when the Israelites were settling in Canaan. It was  standard practice to cover the cisterns with large stones that made it difficult to access the water because it was a valuable commodity and in high demand in areas where there was not much rainfall. As in the instance when Jacob rolled the stone from the well’s mouth so that Rachel could water her father’s flock, it was “a feat of unusual strength for one man, because the stone was large” (Note on Gen 29:10, KJV). When an angel of the LORD came up from Gilgal to confront the Israelites, he reminds them that God had done his part by bringing them out of Egypt into the Promised Land, but they had not done their part, which was to drive out the inhabitants of Canaan, “but ye have not obeyed my voice: why have you done this?” (Judges 2:2).

After I became a Christian, God cleansed me of all my sins an through the blood of Jesus Christ made me perfectly righteous and pure in his sight. All the bad things that had happened in my life up to that point were wiped away from his memory and I had a clean slate in regards to my right standing with him. But, the things that had happened were not wiped from my memory. In fact, it seemed like all the bad things I had done and that had been done to me were more prominent in my memory and I was suddenly aware of what a wretched sinner I was. So, instead of starting a new life and believing that God wanted to bless me, I compromised and got pregnant when I was not married.

“They ceased not from their own doings, nor from their stubborn way” (Judges 2:19). The word translated stubborn in Judges 2:19 is derived from the word qâshâh (kaw – shaw´) which means to be dense, tough or severe. “This word marks the restlessness, impatience, petulance, and irritability with which Pharaoh’s course of action was characterized while he was resisting the urgent appeals of both Moses and his own people” (7185). After entering the Promised Land, the Israelites began to act like Pharaoh. As they had once been abused and forced into slave labor, they began to do the same thing to their enemies in Canaan.

I’m not sure why victims take on the characteristics of their abusers, but I think it may be a sort of coping mechanism that helps them to function during times of stress. Because I was raped at a young age, I never had a chance to experience normal sexual behavior. Whenever I was in a situation where I felt someone was attracted to me sexually, my defenses would be triggered and I would immediately take on the role of the aggressor so that I didn’t feel vulnerable and overcome by fear.

When I got married, I was not able to respond to my husband the way a woman normally would. Our sex life was completely dysfunctional and it was one of the reasons our marriage failed. I really feel that the reason I didn’t change in this area after I became a Christian is because I was stubborn. I was harboring resentment over being raped and thought my behavior was justified. Now that I have been divorced almost 13 years, I can see that I was only hurting myself by being stubborn and wish that I had been able to overcome my fear and recover from the abuse I experienced.

One of the key principles that is emphasized throughout the Bible is sowing and reaping. When we continue in our “own doings” for long periods of time, we will eventually receive a return for our labor and from my own experience I can say the result is not worth the effort.