Work

When my youngest son was 12, I started working full-time and six months later I started going to school full-time. The combination of working and going to school meant that I was away from home a lot and when I was there, I was completely distracted by what was going on in my life. Within four years, I obtained my masters degree. At work, I was promoted twice and increased my salary by seventy percent. The impact to my family was that my daughter became sexually active, my oldest son got into pornography, and my youngest son started using drugs.

It says in Proverbs 14:1, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” To pluck something down with your hands means you take it apart. You break it down or unbuild it. The phrase building your house typically means having children or raising a family (1129). Therefore, plucking down the house you have built implies that you are having a bad influence on your children or hindering them from growing up in the Lord. The word foolish can signify disregarding God’s will and also represents acts of senselessness, impropriety, and stupidity (5039).

Work is good and working hard is commendable, but there is a point where work can become unhealthy. Some people are workaholics, unable to say no to the demands of their careers. In my case, I felt I had to make up for lost time when I had been out of the workforce. In many ways, I was just being selfish, doing what I wanted to do. The bottom line was that working fueled my desire for independence and made me less reliant on my husband for financial security. Unfortunately, I failed to notice that my effort to succeed was breaking apart my family relationships.

Words

I’ve never been very talkative. As a child, I was extremely shy and spent a lot of time by myself. The only exception was when I got angry, then the words seemed to flow out of my mouth without any problem. Of course, what I said when I was angry wasn’t very good. In fact, most of the time, I wish I hadn’t said it. One time, when my ex-husband and I were in a heated argument, I told him I was going to leave him. Immediately, I knew I shouldn’t have said it, but the damage was already done.

It says in Proverbs 13:3, “He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.” The phrase open wide his lips is referring to the free flow of speech. There is no filter of what is being said. The words translated keepeth mean to guard or watch what is being said (5341, 8104). In other words, keeping your mouth shut instead of saying what is on your mind. The Hebrew word translated destruction is properly translated as a dissolution (4288). The idea being a breaking apart or breaking down of something.

In my relationship with my ex-husband, the threat of me leaving became like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Although we remained married for another ten years, our relationship began to slowly disintegrate after that argument. The lack of trust and insecurity undermined our ability to resolve our differences. When the topic of divorce came up, it was as if the matter had already been settled. There was no expectation that things would ever get better. The interesting thing about my relationship with my ex-husband was that he ended up leaving instead of the other way around, perhaps because he didn’t want to be the one left behind.

 

The Fool

One of the things I’m really good at is planning. I’m not the kind of person that likes to fly by the seat of my pants. I rarely do anything without first having a plan in place. When I got married, I planned to have a big family. I thought having 12 kids would be really cool. The only problem was my husband didn’t want any children and I failed to consult God about the matter. Instead, I plunged ahead, thinking my plan was a good one, I just needed to get my husband on board with it.

It says in Proverbs 12:15, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth to counsel is wise.” There are several variations of the word fool in the Bible. In this particular instance, the fool is someone that twists God’s ways into his own (191). The basic meaning of the word translated right, yashar is “‘to be straight’ in the sense of ‘to be level.’ The Israelites designated an easy road for traveling as a ‘level road.’ It had few inclines and declines compared to the mountain roads” (3477). In some instances, yashar is translated as convenient.

My desire to have a big family was consistent with the Bible, but it was not at all practical from the standpoint of my  family’s lifestyle. My husband’s job in the Marine Corps required him to be away from home for weeks, even months at a time. Once he was stationed overseas for an entire year. As much as I thought it would be easy to have more children, I had no idea how difficult it was for my husband and children to be separated from each other for long periods of time…but God knew, and I didn’t bother to ask him.

Help

A pattern that developed very early in my life was never asking anyone for help. It seems like my attitude has always been, I can do this by myself. When I was married, my husband was in the Marine Corps. Five months after our youngest son was born, he left on a six month deployment overseas. Even though many times I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of three small children, I never once asked anyone for help. Over the course of our 20 year marriage, my husband was gone a total of 7 years, and I can’t remember one time I ever asked anyone for help.

It says in Proverbs 11:2, “When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom.” The word translated lowly, tsâna‘ (tsaw – nah´) means to humiliate (6800). It is referring to the characteristic of humility, not in the sense that one has it, but that it is being developed or formed in a person. Pride and humility are opposites and to a certain extent you could say that as one increases, the other decreases. Therefore, the process of being humbled or humiliated involves the removal of pride and God often uses our shame as a part of the process.

Asking for help may not seem like a humbling experience, but if you are or know of someone that is filled with pride you understand why it is so difficult. At the core of pride is a sense of independence. Being able to take care of myself made me feel secure. In some ways, taking care of myself was a coping mechanism that enable me to survive in what I perceived to be a very dangerous environment, but more than anything else, it kept me isolated and prevented me from being hurt or disappointed by people around me.

Forgiveness

A significant flaw in my development as a Christian was a lack of forgiveness. Not only did I have a difficult time letting go of the past, but my physical and emotional wounds as a child and young teenager made me want to isolate myself rather than engage in healthy relationships. My marriage was a constant struggle because I had a tendency to keep track of my husband’s mistakes and would not give up trying to get my own way when we got into a conflict. Many times my husband got the cold shoulder when we went to bed because I was still angry from a fight we had.

Proverbs 10:12 contrasts two ways of dealing with conflict. It says, “hatred stirs up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” This verse refers particularly to the love between man and wife. Solomon indicates the choice to stir up strife or cover one’s sin is based on your feeling toward that person. The word translated hatred, sânê’ (saw – nay´) means to be unloved. “The word covers emotion ranging from bitter disdain to outright hatred (8130). Whereas love causes us to cover up or overlook an offence, hatred rouses us to action, it makes us want to fight.

If someone would have asked me, do you love your husband? I’m sure I would have said yes, but my behavior was consistent with hatred more than it was love. The problem with emotions is that they can be suppressed and hidden within the unconscious mind for many years. I didn’t actually feel a lot of what was going on inside of me while I was married. It wasn’t until I exploded that I realized I was angry and even then I sometimes blamed my anger on things that had nothing to do with the real issue.

Folly

The first compromise I made after becoming a Christian was a very small one. I decided to get a part-time job to supplement my husband’s income. We had survived for seven years living paycheck to paycheck and I thought it was time for me to do my part to help with our financial situation. My first job was only temporary, but it opened the door for me to be away from home in the evening after my husband got home from work. After my youngest son started school, I got a permanent position working part-time at a high school near our home.

It says in Proverbs 9:13-17, “A foolish woman is clamorous, she is simple, and knoweth nothing. For she sitteth at the door of her house, on a seat in the high places of the city, to call passengers who go straight on their way: whoso is simple, let him turn in hither: and as for him that wanteth understanding, she saith to him, stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” In using the term foolish woman, Soloman “is describing an enemy of God who knew God and his word but, seeing the wicked flourishing, reasoned that they have the right lifestyle…They have knowledge of God but do not properly evaluate or understand what they know” (3684).

Initially, there was no negative impact to my family from me working outside our home, but over time, our lifestyle changed dramatically. I became less and less aware of what was going on in my children’s lives and my husband and I rarely had any time to ourselves. I never thought about the damage that was being done to my family’s relationships and we continued to live paycheck to paycheck in spite of the additional income my job provided.

Mommy

The best seven years of my life were the ones when I was a stay-at-home mom. On the day my daughter was born I knew I had found my calling. When I saw her for the first time, I immediately fell in love and after 33 years, I love her just as much now as I ever have. I didn’t know until it actually happened to me that being a mom would be the best thing for me. When I was growing up, I never thought about being a mom, but I’m sure it is what God created me to be.

When God creates things or people, he does it with wisdom. It says about wisdom in Proverbs 8:22-23, “The LORD possessed me in the beginning of his way, before his works of old. I was set up from everlasting, from the beginning, or ever the earth was.” The word translated wisdom, chokmah “can refer to technical skills or special abilities in fashioning something. Chokmah is the knowledge and the ability to make the right choices at the opportune time. The consistency of making right choices is an indicator of maturity and development” (2451).

At the time God created me, he had a purpose in mind for every characteristic and trait he gave me. In his design, God established certain abilities in me that would enable me to live my life according to his plan. Before I became a Christian, I was not concerned with God’s plan, nor did I care if what I was doing was pleasing to God. When I got pregnant with my daughter, even though I was not married, I didn’t think it was a mistake. I believed that God wanted me to be a mom, so I chose to continue with the pregnancy rather than have an abortion.

Adultery

As a Christian, I thought I would be exempt from certain problems. One of my biggest fears about getting married was that I would end up like my parents, so I made sure that I married a Christian man thinking that would guarantee success. Little did I know that Christians are just like everyone else. They make mistakes and do stupid things, including committing adultery. When my brother asked me if I thought my husband would ever cheat on me, I said absolutely not! There is no way he could do something like that.

The Bible makes it clear that adultery is not so much about pleasure as it is about power and persuasion. Referring to an adulterous woman, it says in Proverbs 7:21, “with her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him.” The reference to force suggests an intentional effort to overcome resistance. In Proverbs 7:26 the use of force is more evident. It says, “for she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her.” The word translated wounded, chalal “is often used to describe the defilement which results from illicit sexual acts” (2490).

Even though rape and adultery are very different in the way they take place, the effect is the same. When my husband told me he had sex with another woman, it felt like I had been violated. If I had known he was cheating on me, I would not have continued to have sex with him. So in a sense, because my husband kept his affair a secret so that I would continue to have sex with him, I felt he had tricked me. My participation in our sexual activity had taken place under false pretenses and therefore, was against my will.

Competition

I have two brothers, one older and one younger, and a younger sister. The four of us are close in ages. There is only five years difference between the oldest and youngest siblings. There was an atmosphere of competition in our home and it seemed like there was always some kind of conflict going on. In a recent conversation with my sister, she said she thought we didn’t lover each other. I told her we did, but never expressed it because we were too wrapped up in our daily survival.

Proverbs 6 says, “These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: a proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren” (Proverbs 6:16-19). The last item on the list, he that soweth discord among brethren, may have been an afterthought or it could be the root cause of all the others. The Hebrew word for discord is related to a judicial word marking the act whereby men’s position and destiny are decided (1777). It seems that discord could be an indicator of a lack of authority and rebellion against the sovereignty of God.

At the core of completion is a desire to have things our own way. The competitiveness I experienced growing up caused me to struggle as an adult because I was unwilling to let go of certain outcomes that I desired. In some respects, my stubbornness was healthy, but for the most part, I was continually disappointed when I didn’t get my way. It wasn’t until I found out my husband was having an affair that I realized discord in a marriage can produce disastrous results.

Regret

When I got married, I had the mentality that I was damaged goods. Not only had I been raped several times, but I willingly had sex with numerous men. My identity was stripped away as little by little, I let myself become nothing more than a body that men used for sexual pleasure. The shame and degradation I felt made me so sick of myself that it was hard to imagine that anyone could actually love me. The outcome of being raped was that my heart and soul became separated from my body and I was no longer able to feel love.

Proverbs 5 contains a warning against sexual immorality that indicates it can destroy your body. Referring to the end result, it says in Proverbs 5:11, “And thou mourn at the last, when thy flesh and thy body are consumed.” The Hebrew word translated last, achariyth (akh – ar – eeth´) is derived from the word achar (akh – ar´) which means after or afterward (310). “In some passages, achariyth represents the ‘ultimate outcome’ of a person’s life” (319). The implication being that you don’t regret sexual immorality until after you have experienced the end result, usually some kind of damage to your body.

Physical touch is only one of the ways that love can be communicated, but it is extremely important in the communication of love between a husband and wife. As a result of experiencing the trauma of being raped, I became numb to certain kinds of touch and allowed myself to go through the motions of having sex without feeling any emotional attachment to the person I was with. After I was married, I regretted the way I let men treat me, but it was too late to undo the damage that had been done by repeatedly shutting down my emotions during sex.