suicide

I think the worst thing a Christian can do is do the right thing for the wrong reason. It seems like if you do the right thing, you should always get a good result, but that is not the case. What is more important than what you do is why you do it. God does not tally up all the good things we do and reward us for our effort; he looks at our heart. God judges the motive behind every action we take and makes sure that bad motives do not produce good results.

I married my ex-husband for two reasons: 1) I was pregnant, and 2) I had no means of supporting myself. I had only been a Christian for a few months. I was still recovering from being abducted and raped by a serial rapist the year before and had overdosed on sleeping pills, so my emotional state was unstable.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had completely cut God out of the picture. There was no repentance or asking for forgiveness, just a desperate attempt to fix things and conceal my wrong doing. I thought I was doing the right thing and would be rewarded for my effort, but I had no interest in being married to the father of my child; I just wanted him to take care of us.

It says in Judges 18:30 that the children of Dan worshipped a graven image or false god until the day of their captivity. The word translated captivity, gâlûwth (gaw – looth´) is derived from the Hebrew word gâlâh (gaw – law’) which means “to leave, depart, uncover, reveal” (1540).

The day of my captivity was the day my ex-husband left me for another woman. At that point, I had no one else to rely on but God. I wish I had turned to God sooner, but unfortunately, like the Israelites, I was a stiff-necked, stubborn woman and thought I could take care of my own problems.

“And they set up Micah’s graven image, which he made, all the time that the house of God was in Shiloh” (Judges 18:31). My guess is that Laish, where Micah’s idol was kept, and the house of God in Shiloh were not that far apart in distance. It was probably not for convenience that the Danites wanted to worship at home rather than going to the Tabernacle. The Tabernacle was where you went to acknowledge your sin, and like me, the children of Dan wanted to keep that a secret.

Turning points are sometimes marked by unique or unusual events that cause them to stand out in our minds many years after the transition is complete. The turning point in the development of the nation of Israel may have come when they defeated five of their most formidable enemies in a single day.

The day the Israelites killed the five kings of the Amorites was not just a day like any other day. On that day “the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day” (Joshua 10:13). You could say the day the Israelites avenged themselves was the longest day ever. It says in Joshua 10:14 “there was no day like that day before it or after it.”

The longest day of my life was the day I overdosed on sleeping pills. After being rushed to the hospital and having my stomach pumped, I was told that I would not be allowed to fall asleep that night. I was placed in a bed that had bright lights shining directly into my face. The nursing staff checked on me frequently and made sure I understood that I was not to close my eyes.

What I didn’t know until later was that I was in a Cardiac Intensive Care Unit because my heart was beating erratically and all of my bodily functions had shut down. In a way, you could say I was already as good as dead and for sure my life was hanging in the balance. There was a good chance I would not make it through the night.

I can’t say I was fighting for my life because the desire to live was still not in me, but I do believe the Lord was fighting for me. In the unseen spiritual realm, there are battles going on all the time. That night, I know there was a struggle between the Lord and Satan and Satan was defeated once and for all, he would no longer have control of my life.